Change Isn’t Easy
Thank you for reading my blog,
I did try sleeping in the master bedroom, and it went okay. On Sunday, after a lot of measuring in addition to plenty of thinking, I decided to move the bed frame along with several other items into the master bedroom. I felt that I had to for the reason I believe it was best for me to beat my OCD. Most if not all of my not moving into the master bedroom has to do with my OCD. I haven’t let anyone in my room, or even look in my room in twelve years. I really don’t like people being around my stuff. What if they touch it? What if their hands are dirty or they are sick? This goes especially for my bed. I only have a top sheet on the bed, so before I leave for the day I put on a bed spread an ex-girlfriend made me. I need to buy another bed cover of some sort. This will also protect people from touching my sheets and pillows I hope. Another reason I don’t like people around my stuff or look at the way I live is I feel they judge me. Yes, this bothers me a lot, even if they don’t say anything. If they cannot see the way I live, then there can be no judgement. Right? Another reason I felt it was a good idea to try out the master bedroom for a while is that the bedroom I've been in for over twelve years is small and very crowded. I know that it needs a deep cleaning along with a painting. Plus, I have Rachel in my head pushing me like she always does, telling me to push through my OCD. My rumination started later Sunday with everything I mentioned. Plus my ex-wife is coming over to clean the master bathroom to try to get the smell out from my father that I couldn’t get out. This bothered me a lot, even though I was married to her for eighteen years, so she knows me very well. I still worried about what she was going to touch after cleaning the bathroom. Did she use gloves? Did she wipe down everything with Clorox wipes after words to sanitize everything she touched? Did she also wash her hands after cleaning even if she wore gloves? My rumination list goes on, but you get the point. I’m having a hard time not wiping down the bathroom with Clorox wipes to sanitize the bathroom. I know if I do, then my OCD will win. I will be disappointed in myself if I do wipe down the bathroom. It hasn’t been easy. The verdict is still out if the smell from dad is gone. I will know for at least a week.
Now, let me tell you about my therapy appointment on Thursday. First, let me mention that before I go to appointments, meetings, and sometimes see people that I will think about what we will talk about, what questions and answers that I might ask or answer with. This is a type of OCD. I’ve asked Rachel about it before. I don’t know what it is called. That being said, at therapy I have my list of things to talk about, and have thought about how therapy might go. Therapy doesn’t always go exactly as I have planned, however it isn’t too bad anymore. This week Rachel got my OCD going. She told me she hasn’t seen my OCD fight back this hard since before I was going on my trip to New York in 2023. I let her have it with everything I had. She always is so relaxed, nice, and kind to take everything I push at her with. She knows exactly what to say and do. She will not let my OCD control the therapy session in any way. She is a great therapist. My OCD kept fighting with all its might regardless Rachel doesn’t give up on me. I was squirming, and feeling really, really, really uncomfortable with what Rachel wants me to do this week. The entire hour and half drive home, into the next, and even as I write this I am having issues doing what Rachel wants me to do. She wants me to put my toothbrush in the hallway/everyone bathroom on the sink in a toothbrush holder. This might not seem hard to do, however to me this is extremely difficult. Why? Let me remind you of my contamination OCD. I have my toothbrush and toothpaste in a basket with my vitamins I take every morning. She first wanted me to put the entire basket in the bathroom like on the back of the toilet where if a guy or a small child could lose control, which they do sometimes, and pee all over the place along with on my stuff. That is gross. That is when Rachel changed to putting my toothbrush in a toothbrush holder on the counter. This isn’t much better. People will not only breathe their germs on my toothbrush, they could also sneeze on my toothbrush. My aunt is coming down to stay with me on Monday for about four days, and will bring her dog. The dog could sneeze, then I would have dog stuff on my toothbrush. Yes, I’m still having a lot of issues even writing this right now. My hands are sweating, and my chest is heavy, which means to me that I need to put my toothbrush in the hallway bathroom. Please let me know what you think about me putting my toothbrush in the hallway bathroom or not.
If you would like to contact me for any reason, I now have a contact me tab at the top of the page.
January 10, 2026 is Phoenix One Million Steps for OCD Walk. 8:00 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. at Kiwanis Park, Temp, Arizona, Check in at Ramada 14
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
