Tracy Agnelli 8/15/26 Tracy Agnelli 8/15/26

OCD & Fearing God

Thank you for reading,

I went to a massage last Sunday. I was nervous to go, even though I have been three times now. My mind went to children who are in school now, so people are going to get sick, then the next thing is flu season. I’ve thought for many years now that from August to March is the sick season. I’ve always been extra careful, along with taking extra vitamins to prevent me from getting sick. Extra careful is me doing compulsions. I know there is no reason for me to think any of this, plus if the massage person I was seeing had any problem the place would have called me.

My nervousness went down, until I got to the massage place to find the lady running the front counter has a running nose. I told myself she might have allergies. Your allergies are not good right now either. My masseuse came to get me to which she was not having any problems of any kind. See it is only your OCD.

Therapy I would say was kinda intense the way I felt or thought about several things we talked about. You know one was fear and God. I rambled through all of what I wanted out of relationships, until it got to God. I really did write about what kind of relationship I want with God, I wrote how I’m afraid of God. This started a deep conversation with Rachel and I. I brought up that I have some guilt and fear with mom passing a year and half ago with things I’m doing with the house to what I want to keep or didn’t keep. She made me think that I may have had fear all my life even in my childhood.

Then Rachel asked me a question that my answer surprised me. Rachel's question was about if somebody didn't know any religion and they followed me around, and could read my mind at the same time what would they think of God? That God is scary and you should be afraid of Him. God isn’t like that at all. Why do I do this?

This isn’t good. Rachel and I have a lot of work to do with this.

During my session with Rachel, I told her that I have done routines as long as I can remember so I don’t forget anything. Things like writing notes to remember to turn up a/c or turn off apps on my phone before going to bed, etc. The way Rachel talked to me about this made me think everyone has routines, however, she made me realize that I go a little overboard with some of my routines. I’ve been thinking about this since my session. Maybe I need to do something different with my routines. OCD is telling me that I should stop my routines all together being that I would forget something that is important. That bothers me a lot. After reading the post Taking my life back from OCD by Irina Toader, I’m going to think about if I need certain routines and how to change them up. I will most likely go over the post at least one more time. It was good. You should read it.

Taking my life back from OCD with a sound routine

What my lifestyle looked like during OCD recovery

Irina Toader

Aug 12, 2026

I got a surprise today by seeing my adult children and grandchild today. My children were talking about religion. It was a very deep discussion. I'm not going to go into details about it, however I got bothered a little by the discussion. You know my issues with God right now, well it made me think about if my fear of God is so strong that I have lost my faith in God too. I almost started to cry. I caught myself just in time. I'm glad mom had influenced both of their lives in the belief in God. Mom never forced religion on anyone, but she started teaching all the Bible stories to all the children she was around her at a young age. Mom was awesome.

I went to church right after seeing them, even church was hard this week. The church was telling us that there is no problem too big for God to help you. I wanted to say what if the problem I’m having is with God. The last five hours between my children and church hasn’t been easy. After finishing this blog, I think I’m going to go watch a comedy movie.

Let me end with this quote by C.S. Lewis.

There are Far, Far Better things ahead, than any we leave behind. - C.S. Lewis

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

https://iocdf.org/programs/conferences/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20295458322&gbraid=0AAAAAD3KKFE7_I6w2iG6UR0ya0vTONg42&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzOvEBhDVARIsADHfJJRvqrNH9UmVG9j-5QUox1fhxUldNOWw1CDKoTQnUecpSXilr_4heKoaArw2EALw_wcB

Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 8/8/26 Tracy Agnelli 8/8/26

OCD & Where Would God Want Me To GO

Thank you for reading.

I went to the dance convention last Saturday. It went okay. This convention wasn’t as big as the last one I went to, but it still had a lot of people. My contamination OCD kicked in a little bit when I heard or saw people coughing. Rachel tells me that I still pay way too much attention to people. When I heard someone cough I immediately looked in that direction, then I caught myself. I told myself I needed to pay attention to learning the dance moves, then other people. I also got bothered by dancing so close to my partners. A couple of the moves we were learning we held them close to us, which with the coughing made me a little at ease. Most of the time with West Coast Swing dancing you are moving around constantly, so when you do get close it isn’t for very long. When you learn West Coast Swing you rotate partners every several minutes, so you can get used to the way others dance. When we actually practiced dipping the other person, we were really close, and held the position or the closeness for a while. I did good at not letting my OCD get going to overtake me. Did I think about it? Yes, however, I didn’t let it stay in my head. I kept pushing it out over and over again by concentrating on my moves I was learning and the person at the time I was dancing with.

Last night after the dance class during the social dance, I actually danced with four people, and stayed later than I ever have. Plus, I talked to a couple people for longer than ten seconds. This was a good ending to a good day.

This week at work was very busy. School started on Thursday, everyone of the staff who hasn’t shown up to school had to on Monday. Before 8 a.m. Monday morning a teacher dropped her cup of coffee, which was in a glass cup that I had to clean up. That is something that is unexpected that comes up when you have a list of things to do. My list grows very quickly during this time. Everyone wants something or something done before I leave on Tuesday. Tuesday was meet your teacher night. So when something extra is added to your plate, sometimes I admit that I do get irritated when stuff like this comes up due to the fact I have a lot to do. I’ve learned over my many years that accidents happen to all of us, so I just roll with it.

Thursday morning as soon as I got out of bed, my OCD started. You need to take extra Vitamin C or Airborne or both. Airborne, if you don’t know, has a lot of different vitamins in it. The first day of school you have about a hundred staff, six hundred children with parents that sometimes bring aunts, uncles, or grandparents with them. There were probably over a thousand people coming into the school on the first day. Most of the time I hang out to help people get to where they are going along with being available to clean up something that might come up like a spill, or a bodily fluid reason being children get so upset they throw up. I’ve had this happen several times in my career. I’m around a lot of people at work, which I haven’t been around all Summer. I thought about taking extra Vitamin C or Airborne to myself morning, noon, and night. I didn’t cave in. Ya me!

What made the first two days of school the best was there were no clean ups of any kind. That isn’t true. I had a little water spill on the stairs the first day, but I can live with that.

One of my teachers with her husband, child and a guest went back to see her family in Boston. They showed the guest around the Boston area. They went to Salem Massachusetts. I started to think about how I was going to take the week of fall break off in October, and wouldn’t it be cool to go to Salem in October. Salem is where the witches are. I started wondering if God wouldn’t want me to go to places like Salem Massachusetts with witches. Then my mind started to think if there are any other places God wouldn’t want me to visit. It started to make me depressed, so I thought I could go to San Francisco or somewhere else that God would prefer me to visit. What’s funny is that I don’t even know if I have the budget to go anywhere right now. I have big dreams to travel the world. So why am I worrying about this? On the grounds that I don’t want God mad at me for any reason. This way I can prevent a mistake with God. A question that just came up for me to answer is How do I know where God will prefer me to go? If you have an answer to this question please let me know.

I believe that anyone can become better, if you put in the effort. - Bella Thorne

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 8/1/26 Tracy Agnelli 8/1/26

Is OCD A Single Story

Thank you for reading,

The started out with my OCD going full throttle. On Monday I prayed to God and talked to him a lot for the reason I figured I needed to repent. I was really worried that the stuff that is happening in my life is due to the fact that I needed to repent for what I don’t know. I started talking to God on the way to work, and throughout the day. I came up with a few items that might have been on God’s list for me to repent for. I thought about this on and off the rest of the week. I just pray it works.

A couple of days later before leaving for work I thought I really needed to talk and pray to God this morning for I have so much I'm going in my head this morning. I decided this is most likely my OCD and I told myself that I will not talk/ pray to God. This was very difficult for me to do. I think some days that not talking or praying to God affects my driving to work. Have you ever driven somewhere and on the way you cannot remember two miles of the drive. This is what it is like for me when I don’t talk or pray to God on the way to work sometimes. It is also a little stressful trying not to do something you normally do.

I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but one of the podcasts I like to listen to is The Dead Life Podcast with Allison Dubios. She is a medium, who can talk to the dead. I think it is interesting. For some reason lately I’m feeling convicted for wanting to listen to the podcast. I know this is about God. It says in the Bible stuff about not listening to mediums or going to them or something. I don’t remember what the Bible actually says. I just know that the Bible isn’t too fond of mediums. Some days I'm just not sure what to do.

Rachel wants me to write down what kind of relationship I want with God. I’ve had a hard time with this. I’ve even tried to Google it along with Youtube something about it. The thing is I want it laid out for me like in black and white. I realized it isn’t going to be that way. I need to search within myself what kind of relationship I want with God. I believe I’ve been procrastinating with this seeing that I don’t know how to have a relationship with God. It has been a long time since I’ve been in any relationship now that I think about it. I don’t even know if I’ve ever thought about what I want from any kind of relationship in my life. I guess it is time I find out.

Last Friday night after the dance lessons during the social dance, I actually asked someone to dance before leaving, which is a big improvement from the last three or four weeks. Lately, I would stand around for about ten minutes, then leave. The problem I have is if I’m not at least okay at doing something and I have to do something with a partner, then I have a hard time being someone's partner. I don’t like to let others down, or be the problem. I know the only way to get better is to practice. The issue is swing dancing takes two people and I’m only one person, so it is hard to practice by yourself at home. I feel strange trying to practice moves without holding on to someone. There is another dance convention this weekend. I’m going just for today. I will let you know how it goes.

I told you I like to write. I was listening to a writing podcast the other day to which they mentioned that if you've never listened to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: The Danger of a Single Story on Youtube you should. This was really good. She made me think of more than just writing.

Do you think of yourself as a single story? I believe some of us that have OCD, or some kind of anxiety at times thinking of ourselves as a single story. Some days I feel that I’m only my OCD. On these days I need to remember I’m more than just my OCD. I’m a son, father, grandfather, writer, maintenance man, child of God, OCD advocate and much more. Don’t ever think of yourself as a single story. You are so much more. Don’t let OCD win.

Here is the link to the Youtube video of the single story if you want to watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9Ihs241zeg

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 7/26/26 Tracy Agnelli 7/26/26

OCD Ragging Sea

Thank you for reading,

School starts in about two weeks, so this week we had kindergarten experience, which is where the kindergarteners will come to school for four days for three hours a day to get used to school before school starts. This is optional. I’ve heard that ones that do show up for this that it helps them a lot. They know where things are like their classrooms, restrooms, playground, etc. When the first day comes it doesn’t overwhelm them with all the students coming in all at once, plus not knowing where anything is or their teacher. They had a good turn out with thirty-six children showing up. I had a good experience this year too for the reason none of the children had an accident of any kind.

I went to a celebration of life this past weekend. It was very nice and beautifully done. They had different people volunteer to make food for everyone who came. It was serve yourself. I was debating on going up to eat when my ex wife told me who made most of the food, and it would be good. I wasn’t debating on if the food was good or not. I was debating on going and getting anything since it was self-serve and all the food was on folding tables. People serving themselves and some children serving themselves or touching things with their hands. I told myself I would be fine and went to get some food to eat. It was very good.

I was off on Friday. I had a therapy appointment with Rachel at 1p.m. I left at 12 p.m. and parked the car at 12:45 p.m. It took me about four miles to calm down, so I wasn’t in a rush to get to therapy. I’ve had better days, but I thought it was still good. Rachel told me if I know it will take me forty-five minutes to get there, then I need to leave forty-five minutes before. I understand the point. I’m not ready for this. I need at least ten minutes to walk in and I might have to use the restroom. LOL!

My religion OCD isn’t getting a lot better. I kept trying to do the no prayer days, however I couldn’t do it. I did only pray getting up in the morning, after reading the Bible, at meals, and before bed. Not praying, talking or thanking God in the vehicle is very difficult for me still. I tried to listen to music, talk to myself, think about how to fix a writing problem with something I’m writing, and nothing worked. I’m not thanking or apologizing to God in the vehicle out loud too much anymore, at the same time I’m thinking about it.

On the days I do pray in the car, I get worried about not remembering how I pray, everything I pray for or everyone I pray for. The other day I was starting to go a little crazy thinking of what I missed until it started to come back to me little by little.

The thing is if I don’t pray for something, then I’m afraid God will not give it to me. No matter if it is for me or for someone else. I don’t want God made at me for anything either.

I realized the other day I’ve memorized my verses so well that if I skip my verses a day or even two it is okay I won’t forget them. It gave me some relief. I know this isn’t good. This is my OCD talking to me and telling me good job.

I told you I started back going to church instead of watching online. Right after getting to church today, I was wondering if I should try to go cold turkey. Try not to do any religious stuff including not going to church. There is no way I could do this. At least not now.

I go to a big church. One of the songs that was sung this week is called Jesus Jesus. Some of the lyrics to the song: Part of Verse 1 - Oh I’ve heard, That you can move the mountains, How I need this mountain moved, Part of Verse 2 - And I’ve heard, That you can heal the broken, But these wounds are buried deep, Chorus - Jesus I need you, Like nothing else nothing else, Jesus only you, And nothing else nothing else, Part of Verse 3 - And I’ve heard, That you can walk on water, And My mind's a raging sea. At this point in the song standing in church I broke down crying.

Anyone who has OCD knows our minds can be calm one minute and in a blink of an eye can be a ragging sea.

If you would like to listen to the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDwSkR2qsFI

Right after the band stops playing a person will come out to say something that will go into communion. I don’t even remember everything that the gentleman said, he did say something about some of us having an internal battle to deal with, to which I broke down in tears again.

I’ve been having a pretty okay day to this point, so I don’t know why church affected me so much. As I got up to leave I thought I needed to let my hair down so to speak and have some fun like a kid does by playing in the rain. Maybe the next time it rains I need to just go stand in it. As I walked out to my vehicle it started to sprinkle. It made me think that maybe God does hear us. It wasn’t a lot on the other hand in Arizona it was nice to have the temperature drop from around 116 to into the 90’s.

A few fun things I did this week was take off half a day of work to go to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. They won 15 to 5, which made it even better along with hitting five home runs. I went to see the movie Odyssey. I didn’t see it in a IMax theater. I didn’t know what it was about until I watched the trailer. I thought it looked good. I’m sorry, I don’t understand all the hype. I’ve heard of people seeing it twice. It was okay. I thought the first half of the movie was very slow. After seeing it I realized it was not my type of movie. It didn’t show this in the trailer.

Everyone suffers some injustice in life, and what better motivation than to help others not to suffer in the same way. - Bella Thorne

“Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind … or forgotten.” —Stitch, Lilo & Stitch

Families help each other with the hard stuff. OCD is a family that supports others of all mental illnesses. As part of the OCD family please keep helping others with OCD by sharing your experiences along with sharing information that might help others.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 7/18/26 Tracy Agnelli 7/18/26

OCD & Praying

Thank you for reading,

My no-prayer days didn’t get any easier. In my regular gratitude journal I have to push myself not to write everything I wrote down before on a daily basis. I’m grateful to God for a lot of things, and I feel I should write them down daily. Things like having a nice, safe, healthy day, my family, friends and I having another day on this earth, all my body parts working the way they should, and so on. I feel if I don’t show my gratitude on a daily basis for all things, then God will not think I’m grateful, and something might happen to me. The good part about this is I’m finding more and different things to be grateful for daily.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but every morning I not only read the Bible, I have a calendar with a positive religious message. I also read from a book someone got me a long time ago called God’s Words of Life for Grandfathers. I do these things still on no prayer days.

Driving to work on Monday, which is a no prayer day, is extremely difficult. I pray while driving to work, as well as for a while after getting to work. This takes about forty to forty - five minutes. I go over everything. I say it the same way every day, even when I don’t go to work. The first day driving to work I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to listen to the radio, so I tried to talk to myself about things I needed to get done. While I drive to work I also thank God for helping me make lights, etc. Half way to work I stopped saying them, however I thought about them every time, so I still did what I wasn’t supposed to do. I felt lonely not talking to God.

Another thing that is difficult is trying not to talk, thank, and apologize to God throughout my day. The thing is I do maintenance at an elementary school. I’m alone a lot, during the summer it is even worse. Listening to radio, podcast can only do so much.

When I got home to an empty house I felt even lonelier. When I get ready for the night I will listen to Youtube music. I listen to a variety of things. Country, Rock, 80’s, old rock like Elvis, Chuck Berry, along with religious music from mostly country singers. I wasn't going to listen to songs about God because of what Rachel put on the cards. No doing anything to compensate. To me this was compensating. After a couple of songs I changed my mind. I felt that I was dissing God in every way today, so I felt I needed to hear the songs. When I went back to play the songs they were gone, I had to go refind them. I felt God was telling me something by that. I am not sure what, but maybe that I would easily forget him or I don't need him. I got a tightness in my chest at the time. I don't have anyone special in my life who I can depend on, except God. I don't want God to forget about me, or be mad at me.

I started to wonder if I was making God a surrogate person in my life. I wasn’t saying I don't want him in my life or anything because I do. I don't really have a special someone in my life. Maybe if I had someone special in my life, maybe I wouldn’t need to lean on God so much?

Tuesday morning when I got up, I felt relieved being able to say my prayers. I knew Rachel was right with my religious stuff being my O. C. D. As I'm saying my prayers on the way to work and talking to God, I felt good then all of a sudden, I found anxiety because I can't remember everything I usually say, so I start being worried about not being able to remember everything that I say every morning. It really bothered me a lot. I know this is O. C. D. I don't know how to fix it. I'm actually scared. I don't want God to be mad at me for not praying. Then another thing is, I want to stop OCD at the same time I want to do what is right in God's eyes. How do I do both?

Later that night, I was feeling sad and worried about losing being so close to God. I know God will not dislike me for praying less, then again I worry if I don’t pray about my health and everything about me, my family and friends something will happen to one of us. I have been pondering this week if I’ve been praying wrong. After all these years, do I need to learn how to pray?

Wednesday morning, my last prayer day for the week. This is what I wrote down after getting to work. Not sure how I got to work. I had a hard time driving here, tightness and chest. I was just driving way too fast. Just trying to get here to not pray or talk to God. Also for not apologies for things. I was thanking and not thanking God for making lights, and for God getting me to work safely. I got tightness in my chest. I feel stressed. I even turned on the radio this morning. It didn't help me. This isn’t the way I want to start my day.

The older I get the harder time I’m having with heights. I have always been afraid of heights and falling. I have two portable buildings. The roofs had some tiles coming off. I went up to check, which I will not do anymore. I will have someone else do it. At 8:45 a.m. I prayed to God to help me off of this roof. I almost had to call someone to help me. I don’t know what they would have done, except for being supportive. I thanked God several more times that day.

The next morning I started out getting excited about being able to pray, but quickly got depressed realizing it’s O.C. D. is the reason why I was feeling so much relief being able to pray and talk to God. I got a little sad, not knowing what to do.

I have prayed a little differently a couple of times this week, nevertheless I still end up saying the same thing I have always said, but in a different way. I’m not sure how to pray anymore. Looking at the positive, I like learning new things, so learning how to pray will be something new I learn.

I've been working on not getting to places way too early. As you know, even when using Google maps to help me get somewhere I would still get there thirty or more minutes early. The other day when I was off of work, I went to a doctor’s appointment. I left for my appointment using Google to which I would arrive around ten minutes early. I got a couple of miles down the road and had to turn around to get my wallet that I forgot. I told myself that it is okay to be late, and to not rush. I was so proud of myself. I got to my appointment exactly on time. I thought. I wrote down my appointment time as 8 a.m. They didn’t send me a text the day before reminding me of the time. When I got there they told me it wasn’t till 9 a.m. I still have some work to do with being so early to things, however I’m getting better at it.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago about how my therapist, Rachel, wants me to touch my shoes for the reason I also have contamination OCD. If I put on or touch my shoes in any way, then I will wash my hands. To me shoes have always been gross. What they walk on or what gets on them. I have been touching them without washing my hands to get better. This week I had an epiphany that wasn’t good. I'm a man. I sometimes stand to use the restroom, like most men do. Men sometimes splatter, which could possibly go onto my shoes. I started to ruminate about this during the week. I had to tell myself to use my senses. I didn’t see any splatter, so it is okay to touch my shoes. Shoes have been a struggle for me for many years.

I listened to the Chrissie Hodges podcast Intrusive thoughts Unmasked this week. I had to stop listening to it and finish it the next day. It was about three siblings, two boys and a girl, and the one boy having OCD. They are in their twenties and thirties. I got very emotional listening to this. That is why I stopped. This episode shows how people care about us, but if we don’t talk we will never know. This is a great podcast. Chrissie does a lot for OCD. She also runs OCD Gamechangers which is her non profit.

I will end on a good contamination item. When I went to the doctor's office I grabbed the door handle.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Failing better. - Samuel Beckett

The quote above tells me I might keep failing at my OCD, but with every failed attempt I get closer to beating my OCD.

Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago. - Warren Buffett

This quote reminds me of someone like you and I who started talking or writing about their OCD, which helped us and others to get the help we needed. You or I may never know who we have helped by writing or speaking to people about our OCD, or our life, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is we keep speaking and writing about OCD to help others. Talking about OCD is difficult, however being vulnerable to talk about our personal lives with OCD is even more difficult at times. What matters is that people with OCD keep speaking up to help others. Thank you for speaking, writing and reading about OCD.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 7/11/26 Tracy Agnelli 7/11/26

OCD and Religion

Thank you for reading.

The dance convention last Saturday was good. I went to five workshops. I actually talked to some people other than dancing at the workshops. I’m still noticing people a lot and not in a good way. Rachel mentioned this to me last session. Once I realized I was doing it, I then started to try to not notice the bad things, but the good things. What am I noticing? Well, I notice the way people put on their shoes, the way they touch their nose and mouth, and when I go to the bathroom I notice if someone washes their hands or not. These are a few things I notice.

In the middle of the contests while no competitor is dancing, others can go out to dance a few songs. Saturday two ladies came in and sat at a table I was at with another guy I was talking to. One of the ladies asked either one to dance. I said yes. I told her I was new and not good. Did I ever show it? She took me out to the middle of the dance floor. I’m an introvert. I like not to be center stage most of the time, especially when I’m not very good at something. I literally can tell you the difference between my hand in my foot or right and left. It was so bad. I was so embarrassed. I sat back down at the table and started to talk to the guy who was there again about anything other than what happened out on the dance floor. A little while later the other lady asked me to dance. Sometimes you have to get back up and try it again, so I reluctantly said yes. I walked her to nearly the middle of the dance floor due to the fact all the edges were full. I did so much better. I was really glad I went back out on the dance floor.

Another reason I’m glad I went to this convention is I watched the fireworks go off for the first time in many, many years. It was nice to watch with other people around. The fireworks were beautiful.

Sunday - I did two more workshops. My legs were really sore from the weekend. I’m glad I took Monday off. One of the instructors told us to stretch a couple of times that day because of how much he worked on our legs. I really enjoyed everything about the conference. I had a lot of fun.

Another thing I fought with is taking extra vitamin C while at the convention. Before going I kept going back and forth about not wanting to get sick, and I should take vitamin C several times a day to help not getting sick. There were going to be over six hundred people there from all over. While at the convention I started to ruminate about bringing my vitamin C and how I was going to get sick. Most of my rumination happened when I was by myself, which wasn’t very often, although it started when I got home from the convention on Sunday, then on Monday morning when my sinus were really bad and I had a headache. I shut down my OCD telling myself that I have sinus issues sometime and all this was my OCD talking. I’m proud of myself for never taking any.

My religious stuff has been hard to deal with. Like I mentioned last week, I think that something bad will happen if I don’t do my journals, prayers, the same way then something bad may happen to my family, friends or myself is OCD. Let’s start with my journal. Several times this week I started to write the same way I’ve always done, and had to stop to start again. I don’t like doing the journal this way however, I have to stop my OCD from controlling this part of my life. There is a positive to this, which is that there were a couple of days I wrote more than three things down, and I’m getting more than three days on a page.

I pray to God at least three times a day. Once when I wake up, I thank him for the day before, and to have a good day ahead. While I’m driving to work or somewhere else if not going to work. This is when I pray for others and everything else. At night when going to bed, I thank him for my day and things in it, and if I need to pray for someone or something else I do it too. I was starting all my prayers the same exact way, which was a fairly long intro. I’m trying to stop this since this falls under the bad things happening to me category. I also talk to God several times a day about anything that is bothering or thanking him for helping me in some way.

As far as me saying my verses every day, I’ve started doing them every other day. Most of the time. LOL!

I started to write this Friday morning. I saw Rachel Friday afternoon. We talked in depth about my religious OCD issues. I’m not going to get into all the details of my session for the reason that it will take too long. My homework for this was to pick three days that I wouldn’t pray. Along with No apologizing to God, asking for forgiveness for no prayer days, and no doing anything to compensate. The reason Rachel added these stipulations was due to the fact of my therapy session. I just jumped in and picked Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday. First, I should have thought about what days more in depth seeing as I go or watch church on Saturdays. That really didn’t matter.

This is what I wrote this morning at 6:53 a.m. - I'm already having a hard time not praying. I didn't pray after getting out of bed, or after reading the Bible. I did pray before my breakfast. What is disturbing to me is throughout the Bible it shows people not asking God for help, but relying on people or other things and God getting mad, and forsaking them. I’m reading 2 Chronicles, which are in the Old Testament. I don't want that. I want God on my side helping me with my life and through life. I also think I felt lonely not praying. I talk to God throughout my day, and yes I consider that praying sometimes too. This is my first no prayer day and I'm not even an hour into it, and having issues.

The rest of my day hasn’t gone much better. I pretty much thank God everywhere I go. I didn’t realize how much I do this. Not praying to God while driving to Tia Chi this morning which takes about thirty five to forty minutes to get there was very difficult. I had some small issues like a little tightness in my chest, along with trying to distract myself by listening to music. I went to church and with church there is prayer and communion.

I consider my day of no prayer a failure. What am I going to do about it? First, let me say I thought this would be difficult. I didn’t realize I was as bad off as I am. On a scale of one to ten. I was thinking I was seven or eight. Now after the first day I might be ten or more. In my mind, I thought I didn’t have this big of a problem. I see now that it is my OCD talking to me yet again. This time in a different type of OCD. I know there is a religious type of OCD, but I’m not going to speculate that I have that type or what type it is. That is a question for Rachel. I’m going to trust God and Rachel to get me through this.

I see I’m going to have to work on my religious stuff daily. What that is right now, I’m not sure. I will do my best until my next therapy session. In the meantime, I will prepare myself better for Monday's no prayer day.

Facing it, always facing it, that’s the way to get through it. - Joseph Conrad

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. - Martin Luther King Jr.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 7/4/26 Tracy Agnelli 7/4/26

OCD & Routines

Thank you for reading.

Happy 4th of July!

I have several routines that I do every day. I know everyone has routines that include morning, night, when you get to work. I have them too, however mine have become OCD driven. Most of mine are religious related. I pray the same prayer for myself and a similar prayer for my family and friends, then at the end I will pray for other things. I feel if I don’t pray this prayer something bad will happen to me or my family or friends along with them or I will not get blessings. This takes me about half an hour or longer to do every day. I haven’t realized how stressful this has been for me. I also have twenty plus verses I say on a daily basis. I’m afraid of forgetting them.

For several weeks now at therapy we have been discussing how my prayers have become OCD driven. With me having OCD as well as thinking something bad will happen or blessing will not come to family, friends or myself is what makes this OCD. This may sound weird to people who don’t understand OCD, nevertheless OCD makes me keep doing my prayers and my verses like this over and over again. OCD is very powerful.

Another routine I have which is OCD is filling out my gratitude journal the same way in the beginning every time. This is not my new gratitude journal for my OCD. This is also religious for I start out by thanking God for everything I’m about to write down. I then write down seven lines worth of the same stuff before writing down anything new. I also make sure I fit three days exactly on one page, and to not go over to the next page.

With all this religious stuff going on, I thought about talking to one of the pastors at church, instead I decided to talk to God directly one day last week along with Rachel’s great help I feel better. I’m not cured of these issues by any means. Rachel and I have a lot of work to do, but I feel less stressed than I have been.

I didn't sleep all week, between dancing coming up this weekend and going to therapy. I’m a little nervous about this weekend due to the fact I’m not good at social situations along with I’m not good at dancing. I will be at the convention for three days.

Rachel pushing me is great help for me, since I hesitate to push myself sometimes. Therapy takes me around fifty minutes to get there. Rachel has been trying to get me to stop thinking about being late, but look at it as less extremely unreasonably early and not late. I left work sixty three minutes before my therapy session, which I usually will leave at least an hour and half if not more to make sure I’m there on time. It took me fifty three minutes to get to therapy. I had to talk myself into not speeding or doing anything else stupid, which I did. Once I got most of the way there I knew I wouldn't be late so I started to relax. I think I told you that I started using Google maps to drive places, which has helped. Google rerouted me because of a car on fire on the highway. As you can see Rachel was right, yet again. It is irritating to me, why I still want my OCD to be right sometimes. This isn’t good.

Therapy was a little stressful. Rachel doesn't forget anything. I talked about everything under the sun, and then the subject of me touching my shoes came up. I told her I started with my slip ons, and was working my way to my work shoes. I explained how my work shoes have gross stuff on them because I clean up vomit, unclog toilets etc. That didn't matter. In the end, Rachel is right that my OCD is telling me this. I cannot remember her exact words, but I had to rip off the band aid, which seems harsh, but she worded it a lot better and nicer. She is a Great therapist. She knows when to push me and when not too. I needed a big push. Right there in the office I touched my shoes. Not the bottom of them. Rachel touched her shoes too, but she touched the top and bottom of her shoes.

Touching my shoes was really tough for me. I felt tightness in my chest and my hands were a little shaky, however I didn’t break into a sweat. Since going to therapy, I have been keeping up on touching my work shoes.

I got to the Phoenix 4th of July dance convention in Scottsdale, AZ on Thursday and checked into the hotel. The first workshop wasn’t till 7 p.m., then a social dance right after. Me trying to not be supper early decided to get to the ballrooms exactly at 7 p.m. for the reason I thought I could just show my ticket and go in. I was wrong. There was a check in process that I didn’t realize opened at 4 p,m. By the time I got into the workshop I was twenty minutes late, so I just watched and learned what I could. I didn’t do any social dancing after the workshop either. I wasn’t feeling confident and a little socially awkward, so I watched, then went back to the room for the night.

Friday was a lot of fun. I did a total of seven hours of workshops. I watched the competitions for about two hours. I talked to a gentleman who has done dancing for over thirty years and gave me some good advice. I didn’t get to bed until 11 p.m. I will let you know how Saturday goes next week.

We all fail at something. I’m constantly failing at beating my OCD, but I will not give up on beating it completely. I believe that someday I will be completely free of OCD in my life. Don’t give up on beating OCD. Don’t let OCD win.

I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying. - Michael Jordan

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 6/27/26 Tracy Agnelli 6/27/26

OCD & Not Being Defeated

Thank you for reading,

Let’s start with I went to the lung doctor to have her tell me that I’m not crazy. I do have issues with my lungs. I’m moderate to severe with my lung issues, which isn’t good, but I’m glad that someone has found something wrong with me. This has been going on for over two years. They gave me an inhaler to try, and told me that it will take two weeks to get you to start to feel better. Well, four days into me taking it I felt really tired, and started to feel like I was getting sick. Long story short, I stopped taking it to which I feel a lot better. I’m waiting for the doctor’s office to call me back with a different inhaler.

I didn’t have an issue with my OCD going to this type of doctor for the reasons it is not a doctor that is seeing a lot of different sicknesses like the flu or Covid, etc, and the season for sickness isn’t in the summer time most of the time.

Last weekend I got to see my new grandson for the second time. While I was burping me he decided to turn his head to spit up on my new shirt and my arm. My son was very nice by wiping off my arm. My daughter was nice to tell me it will not stain my shirt. Me on the other hand is thinking how gross this is, and I would like to wash off. Since I don’t get to see or hold him too much I decided to try to ignore my rumination about the spit up, and enjoy my grandson. Once I gave him up, I went swimming, then changed my shirt afterwards. I’m glad I brought another shirt.

I was painting the stairwell bottom side area because the paint was wearing off all the way up the stairs on both sides of three stairwells. I had to sit and kneel to paint along with putting my hand and arm on the ground. This wasn’t easy for me. It took me a day and half to do. I had a hard time not ruminating about how many people walked on the stairs along with where they have walked and what they have walked on. There were several times I almost used my wet painting rag to wipe both of my hands and arms off, however I resisted the temptation along with the temptation of washing off. I have had a hard time not ruminating about how gross this is, even now while writing this.

I’m really glad I had therapy this week. I had a lot on my mind in addition to being very stressed. I had so much to vent that I took up over half the session. The thing is I’ve been stressed for a long time. Rachel, my therapist, has been working on it with me alongside working on my OCD at the same time. OCD is stressful, at the same time some of the stuff I do or the way I do stuff I cause myself more stress. The way I do some of this stuff is OCD like arriving too early for everything I do. Another thing, I think we came up with is I’m a people pleaser. I want to help everyone and I never say no. I believe I need to learn to help myself more first.

Things I need to work on are touching shoes, since I have issues with the ground and shoes, along with not arriving so early to any place I’m going. I need to learn it is okay to be a couple of minutes late to place that it isn’t the end of the world. If it takes me forty minutes to get to some place I’m going, then I need not leave until forty-five minutes beforehand. This is what Rachel told me. This is going to be really hard for me to do. Just writing this I’m having issues with tightness in my chest and hands are a little sweaty.

I went to Tai Chi this morning, and tried to plan to get there ten minutes beforehand. I needed gas, so I left a little early. I still got there eighteen minutes early. I have to tell you that even leaving this late bothers me a lot. I watered plants along with doing a couple of other things to try not to leave so soon in addition to being a little stressed talking to myself that I will not be late just less extremely unreasonably early as Rachel told me to remember. I talk to myself telling myself that I don’t need to speed that I will still get there on time. I didn’t speed once.

Getting there not as early as I normally do I didn’t get my normal seat to which the seats were very close together this week. This bothered me due to the fact I like a little space, also the lady on one side of me was coughing a lot even with taking a drink every so often. The lady on the other side kept putting her feet on her seat, and you know how I feel about bottoms of shoes, so you know how much this bothered me.

I still felt stressed most of the time, but it lessened quicker this week. Other than all of that Tai Chi went pretty good this week. I mean that sincerely. I enjoyed it a lot.

Last night at dancing, no men brought shoes, so I didn't have to worry about looking for a pair. If there would have been a pair of shoes that I liked I would have taken them just to tell my OCD that I was in charge. At the social dance, I danced one time and then left. The reason I danced was because a lady told me not to leave until I danced with her. I left right after that dance. I could have stayed last night since for the summer I’m working four tens and I wasn’t tired.

My OCD was talking to me again saying things like you are on a schedule, you have Tai Chi in the morning along with I’m still working on my social issues too. Another part is the person I was dancing with kept telling me to get in the rhythm of the music or the beat. I have a hard time with this. I have no rhythm when it comes to dancing or anything else. I’m not going to give up on dancing. I am going to the Phoenix 4th of July, which is a lot of dancing happening for four days to which I’m going for three days.

We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated. Maya Angelou

We all go through a lot in life then to add on anxiety of any kind makes things a little more difficult. We must not let ourselves get defeated. Remember to take care of yourself by loving yourself with love, kindness, compassion along with loving words to yourself. Try a gratitude journal for three months. The results may surprise you.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 6/20/26 Tracy Agnelli 6/20/26

OCD & Gratitude

Thank you for reading,

I have a gratitude journal I write in every night. I have done this for years. On occasions I write down something about my OCD. On June 9, 2026 in the book On This Bright Day, it talks about gratitude. It said to find new things to appreciate. It got me thinking about how I don’t appreciate my small wins with my OCD. Then I remembered when I started therapy Rachel had me do this by writing stuff I was proud of. I decided to have a gratitude journal for just my OCD. I started last Sunday. I told myself that I will find one thing a day to be grateful for and appreciate about how I did with my OCD for that day, even if I had a horrible day there still will be one thing to find.

This got tested this week. I woke up Wednesday morning to go eat breakfast and my feet felt wet in the hallway. I turned on the hallway light and opened up the door to the water heater to find it was leaking. It’s thirteen years old, so it was time. I turned off the water to the water heater just in case it decided to break all the way to where I only have forty gallons of water all over the house and not more. I did start to drain it, before leaving for work. Yes, I went to work. I figured I couldn’t call the plumbers until 7 a.m., along with we start at 5 a.m. during the summer, so I didn’t have to take so much time off. Even though I could have replaced the water heater myself, I decided against it for the reasons of it being a gas water heater, and I didn’t have help. I have never replaced a gas water heater before. I have helped replace one, but that isn’t the same thing. You have to be careful with gas, so I will leave it to someone who knows what they are doing.

The plumbers came out later Wednesday to assess the situation. Yes, it needed to be replaced. The man who came out is the same one who came out for the drains in the house earlier this year. When this company comes out they put on shoe covers to cover their feet for the reason of being plumbers, and not knowing everything they have gotten into. This is nice, but they keep taking them on and off every time they go in and out of the house. Yes, this bothers my OCD just a little. It bothers me that they touch the shoe cover on the inside and the outside which they have walked on with their shoes both inside and outside of the covers. Shoes walk on a lot of different things throughout the day. He went into my hallway bathroom that has the shower, and touched stuff including the shower knob. Since my shower only has one knob means there is no water to the shower. He did try to get someone to come out to replace it that day, but it just couldn’t be, so I was without a shower for a day. They came out the next day to replace the water heater.

The good and the bad. We will start with the bad. I did compulsions with the bathroom by wiping off stuff the first plumber touched along with changing out my towels. The good is that I didn’t wipe off anything else any of the plumbers touched. Are you wondering why the bathroom. That is where I get clean, and my towel should be clean too, so if someone goes into the bathroom and the shower, then it bothers me. Now, if he wouldn’t have gone and touched my towel with his clothes or the shower with his hands, then I probably would have made a case for myself to not do any compulsions. I would have ruminated about it for a while to decide whether to do something or not. It wouldn’t have been as easy a decision as it was for me. I’m not proud of what I did, but it shows me that I know I still have a ways to go to have OCD be completely gone from my life. I cannot just keep looking at the negative with my OCD, so I started a gratitude journal to focus on the positive. I wrote down that I’m still grabbing the door handle of the house the plumber touched as he was leaving the house. This might not seem much to some people, at the same time people with OCD this is big. I will take a win with my OCD where I can get it.

Another issue I’m having is at dancing with people who bring their own dancing shoes, and change them out without washing or sanitizing their hands. I know it’s my Contamination OCD in my head telling me how gross this is. I have started to ruminate on it when I’m at dance, however I have been able to stop my ruminating after only a couple minutes. I still go dance with people who have changed their shoes. I don’t do any compulsions. Ya me! This is a big win for me too.

At the end of the lesson the teacher of the dance class makes some announcements. Before I move on let me say I’ve only been dancing eight to ten weeks. I’m going to stick with it for a while. This week she told us there is going to be a shoe donation or sale next week. Dancers who have a lot of shoes can either donate them to others or sell them. I cringed at hearing this. Putting on someone else's shoes bothers me a lot. You don’t know anything about them. I know this is my OCD talking to me big time. You can spray the inside of the shoes just in case someone has something. Another thing you might not know about me is I worked at a bowling center for almost ten years. I wore the bowling shoes others put on before getting my own and after when I learned to bowl with the opposite hand. Another thing you are thinking is don’t you try shoes on at the store? I do on occasions. My reasoning with this is that they are new and not a lot of people have tried them on, if any. I usually look for the ones that the inside paper isn’t messed up. Why does it bother me? It shouldn’t, but it does. That is why I know it is my OCD.

I don’t know if I want a pair of dancing shoes or not. What is the difference between them compared to dress shoes or sneakers? I don’t know and have never asked or looked into it. I am going to the fourth of July dance weekend in a couple of weeks to which I’m praying to get a discount on a room that I missed by a week. I emailed someone and am waiting to hear back. Wish me luck.

I know life has a lot of obstacles that happen to all of us, on top of that, if you have some type of anxiety like OCD it makes life some days even harder. Every win I can put down in my OCD Gratitude Journal is big to me, no matter how big or small it is. I like and need to see some positiveness in all parts of my life especially on the bad days with my OCD. I figure I can go back to reread what I’ve written down in the past if I ever need a boost, or to show myself that I have done some hard things to beat my OCD. I believe I remember someone told me once that our brains are wired to remember the negative more than the positive. You may think about starting an OCD Gratitude Journal to remind yourself on a daily basis of what you’ve accomplished combined with being able to go back to reread it when you need a boost. You never will know if it works until you try it.

"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings." — William Arthur Ward

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. - George Bernard Shaw

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 6/13/26 Tracy Agnelli 6/13/26

OCD and Homeless People

Thank you for reading,

During my last therapy session, Rachel and I talk about how I have a hard time with the homeless people. Before I move on let me just say that I believe this is my Contamination OCD. She asked me, why do they bother me? What can I not do with them? At first I said that I didn’t know. She told me to think about it. I’m scared to even go give them water, or to approach them in any way. I know they are people who are in hard times, but that doesn’t matter to me. After thinking about it, I said I didn’t know what they might do or how they would react. Maybe they might lunge at me or attack me. I didn’t say this in the session nevertheless I know them being dirty is part of it due to the fact it bothers my Contamination OCD.

Rachel told me that a lot of times the homeless are the victims of things like being robbed, etc. I had no idea. I feel embarrassed writing this. I wonder how many people like me are scared to go talk or give someone water because of the way they look or don’t understand them.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately is because I read a book a couple of months ago called Undercover Kindness by Jimmy Darts. It is a really good book. He started out by posting random acts of kindness on social media and it took off from there. He could just go up and talk to people anywhere. I cannot do that. My mother could and did. LOL! I’m a big introvert.

Rachel then said how about you volunteering with the homeless. I used to volunteer many years ago, and enjoyed going to help at food banks, cleaning up parks, cooking, etc. You can start out small helping cook or serve food around them, and see how it goes. I said okay, that I will do some volunteering, especially since I’m working four tens this summer.

I went and volunteered at Saint Vincent de Paul. I was helping prepare food for the next day. I had a little bit of a difficult time with tightness in my chest. My heart was beating a little bit harder than normal. It took about an hour for me to calm down. My body never calmed all the way down, but enough to start to talk to people and not feel fearful, so that was good. I was there for three and half hours.

This older gentleman kept wanting to help me with different tasks. He was a very nice man. There were several of us around, nevertheless he came to help me. We were all making sandwiches. They told us to make sure we have the same bread on the same top as the bottom, which I was gonna do anyhow with my OCD. The old man kept wanting not to do it. It was driving me crazy. I had to keep going back and fixing it. He finally left to go help somewhere else, which I was grateful for.

Working there was very humbling. I almost started to cry. A different man was helping pack sandwiches in baggies. The man said, I'm really grateful, to which I said, me too. He made me think how any of us could be in the situation of being homeless. All it would take is one circumstance. I have never met any of these people before, so I don't know why they are there helping or their situation. I don't ask however it does make me wonder. I know I'm very blessed at the same time it made me feel even more blessed. I held it together.

I got in the car and was driving home when the water worksI started. I cried practically for the whole twenty - five minute ride home. I am truly grateful and blessed to not just have food, shelter and family, but so much more. Thank you God.

I think this might be related to the above. At Tai Chi this morning there is this old gentleman who has been showing up for awhile. He is in his late sixties at least. I don’t know him at all; he rarely speaks to anyone. Since I volunteered yesterday, I looked at him differently today. He brings a tote bag with stuff in it every time. The bag has food, a drink, I’ve seen him pull out a laptop, etc. In the past at times he is a little disrespectful by calling or answering his phone while the class is going or the teacher is speaking. He has done other little things too. He wears the same clothes or the same type of clothes every Saturday he is at Tai Chi. He wears a button down dress shirt with dress pants, maybe slacks. I know the shirt is the same color every week, but I would guess it is the same shirt. As I was pulling in the parking lot he was getting off the bus. I’m not saying the man is homeless, but it does make me wonder about his story a little more along with feeling a little compassion for him.

I plan to keep volunteering not just at Saint Vincent de Paul, but other places too. This is not to just keep me humble which I think I need sometimes. I still have my OCD problem with homeless people that I need to fix.

It seems I get so close to fixing one area of my OCD, then another one pops up. Sometimes it feels like a never ending cycle. I believe in my heart that someday I will be completely free of OCD. We need to make the time not just to be compassionate to others, but also to be compassionate to ourselves.

Roy T. Bennett

"We are all different. Don’t judge, understand instead," Bennett wrote in his book The Light in the Heart.

Roy T. Bennett

"More smiling, less worrying. More compassion, less judgment. More blessed, less stressed. More love, less hate," Bennett wrote inThe Light in the Heart.

Jack Kornfield

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete," Kornfield wrote in Buddha's Little Instruction Book.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 6/6/26 Tracy Agnelli 6/6/26

OCD & Judging

Thank you for reading,

Do people with OCD or specifically Contamination OCD judge people prematurely? By the way a person looks, acts, or anything else. If you don’t know, I have Contamination OCD. I have been thinking this week about my aunt who stayed with me. Last week I told you about how she lotioned herself after her shower, and how it bothered me by her starting with her feet and moving up her body without washing her hands after her feet. I feel this is icky. Do I watch her more closely, since she is a seventies person who nothing seems to bother? Do I judge all people to the same standard when it comes to OCD or only the people I know the way they are like my aunt without seeing them do anything that I would think is icky, gross, etc? I might have when my OCD was at an extreme level, however I don’t feel I do this anymore. The only person that I can think of that I’m mindful of is my dad. Do you or someone you know who has OCD judge people prematurely? What type of OCD do you have?

I do maintenance at an elementary school, including doing maintenance, I also have to pick up the front office trash until they leave for a summer break. I have issues with trash of all kinds with my type of OCD. I wear gloves to take the full bag out to put a clean bag in around all the desks. There have been several times this week when more than one person helped me by pulling their bag, handing it to me, and then putting in a clean bag. I think this is gross despite that none of the ladies who did this thought twice of doing it, along with moving on with their project they were doing.

Have I in the past thought of some of them as cleaner than others? Yes, I have. Does this make me judge them prematurely? No, but I did judge them after I got to know them, which is wrong too.

I went to therapy this week to which I asked if people with different types of OCD do prematurely judge other people. My therapist (Rachel) told me it is mostly people with Contamination OCD, but she did say there is one other type that might do it also which is Scrupulosity. Here is the definition from the IOCDF.

Scrupulosity is a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine. They may worry about what their thoughts or behavior mean about who they are as a person.

https://iocdf.org/faith-ocd/what-is-ocd-scrupulosity/

Another thing we discussed is my issue with trash and the front office handing it to me. I like and enjoy Rachel and her humor in the way she shows me how my OCD is controlling my life. After telling her about my issue with trash with the front office staff, she says to me, Why aren’t more people like you? Why don’t they see things the way you see them? To which I say, exactly! I started to giggle for the reason I realized it was my OCD talking. I still want my OCD to be right. I’ve come a long way with changing my mind with OCD not being right, on occasions it comes back up. I need Rachel to help me see things like this sometimes, so my OCD doesn’t control my life the way it did.

OCD is very tricky on how it sneaks in to control my mind. Sometimes without me even noticing it. Eventually, I will have to not worry about OCD controlling my mind due to the fact I will have succeeded in beating OCD completely. For right now, this is another learning experience I have to put into memory.

Keep up the hard work with beating OCD. Some day we will be free of it.

This quote might not be perfect for the situation, but I like the quote.

You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you

select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you

can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work

on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop

everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to

master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever.

Elizabeth Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 5/30/26 Tracy Agnelli 5/30/26

Progress & OCD

Thank you for reading,

Children are out of school here in Arizona for the summer. I still work all summer doing maintenance around the school. It is a reprieve or relief not having to clean up messes of all kinds. This is time I get to reset myself and the school for the next school year. Listening to music and podcasts while getting my work done in a mostly empty school. The front office is there for a couple of weeks, then they will be gone. There will be a few people in and out until everyone in the front office gets back right after the fourth of July, then teachers will slowly start coming in to get their keys to set up their room for next year.

My OCD at work isn’t as bad during the summer for the most part because I’m by myself. I do on a rare occasion still have small situations that come up. One would be fixing something in the restroom, even when it is clean in the restrooms the cleaners don’t always clean everywhere or the good. I still wear gloves, and try not to do a compulsion if something touches my shoes or pants to clean them, but it isn’t easy. My OCD mind reminds me of where I am, how I know the cleaners do not clean very well, and there are germs everywhere. Some days are better than others with me being able to shut down my OCD, still there are days that are tough to keep OCD quiet.

On the tough days, I will have some win some lose some battles with my OCD. On these days I will sometimes just react and do a compulsion. I talked about this last week, how I have done my compulsions in the past for so long that they have become a reaction, how I need to make a new habit of not doing compulsions. When I realize I just did a compulsion out of a reaction, I sometimes will go back if it is possible to do it the right way without the compulsion. I make myself slow down , pay more attention to what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. Changing a habit takes time at the same time an OCD mind will take a bit longer to change. I feel it is possible to do.

That being said, at home this week my aunt and her dog decided to come down to stay with me to see people before it got too hot down here in Phoenix. I love my aunt, but my OCD mind doesn’t. She is a seventies person through and through. She likes to lotion her body after taking a shower. I have known this. I walk out to the family room to talk to her as she starts to lotion herself. She starts with the bottom of her feet first and works her way up. This is extremely difficult for me for the reason being the floor to me is very dirty from lots of things people step on throughout the day. To start with the bottom of your feet and work your way up, to me you are putting whatever is on your feet all over your body. Why take a shower?

I had to cut my conversation short to walk away to go take my shower along with stopping myself from starting to ruminate about what she was doing. I pray that she went and washed her hands, however I would doubt it. I have had to really push myself to not think of this, or what she touched after lotioning nightly after her shower.

The only compulsion I did after my aunt left was wipe off the bathroom towel rack where she puts her towel, and I use it after she leaves. I’m not proud of this. I could try to explain why I do it, but there is no excuse. I need to do better at stopping all my compulsions. Now, I did wipe off the kitchen sink and the kitchen sink counter along with removing the drying towel. She will rinse the cups she is using and put them on the drying towel to dry. She doesn’t wash them. She does this so she doesn’t use too many cups. This bothers me for the fact that she is putting her germs on a place I would put clean stuff. I don’t feel these are compulsions. The stuff is dirty. I will do normal cleaning beside that I will not wipe off anything else, even the place she sat to put her lotion on, even though I want to.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. - George Bernard Shaw

I came across this quote this week. I have thought about how hard it is to change an OCD mind. It feels like it is impossible to do. Just because it feels like it is impossible doesn’t mean it is. I feel you can change anything with God, the right mindset, support, and help. Keep believing in God and yourself. Don’t give up. I believe you can beat OCD. I believe I will beat OCD.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before. One really good thing before I go, is my family is on baby watch. My daughter is having her first child any day. We are all praying she makes it till Tuesday, which is moms birthday.

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." — Confucius

"A little progress each day adds up to big results." — Satya Nani

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 5/23/26 Tracy Agnelli 5/23/26

Being Busy with OCD

Thank you for reading,

The last week of school is very busy. When I get busy, I just do stuff automatically. Even though I do a lot less compulsion now than I did a couple years back, I sometimes do a compulsion or something in a certain way that I touch things for the reason that I’ve done it that way with my OCD for so long. I really have to pay attention when I’m busy to not do a compulsion that I haven’t done in a long time.

I want to make my life a normal habit life, and not a compulsion habit life. If that makes sense. In case someone who doesn’t have OCD reads this let me explain. I have Contamination OCD, and instead of doing something like turning on a light or opening a door the right way. I do it differently or avoid it completely. I am going to do everything the normal way some day without having to think of how to do it before I do it. It will be just a habit and not an OCD habit because some day I will have OCD gone from my life forever.

That being said, I did try to pick trash up off the ground without wearing gloves or using anything but my bare hands however I didn’t succeed. I am doing better with picking up clothes, lunch boxes, and stuff being left outside. Ya me!

I did email the kitchen manager with an apology first thing Monday morning. She did respond by accepting my apology.

I’ve told you that I started taking West Coast Swing Dance class on Friday nights about two months ago. I’ve been doing really well with touching people and people touching me. I did however notice last night that I’m paying attention to people who have their own dancing shoes. When they are changing into them are they touching the bottom of their shoes, then I started to wonder what else they are touching and are they going to wash their hands. I told myself to just stop it. You need not to worry about that, just enjoy learning dancing. I watched the class before mine finishing up, which is line dancing, and moved on with my night.

Moving on can be extremely difficult to do with losing someone, something, a job and the list goes on, however moving on from doing compulsions can feel even harder with OCD. Then if you add in any other losses or stressors in addition to you trying to move on from doing compulsions with your OCD, life can feel overwhelming and sometimes impossible at times to stop. It can be done. You need to have the right support in place, mind set, a great therapist, faith, but it can be done. Don’t let your OCD tell you anything different.

I know at times I go backwards a step or two despite that I try to make forward progress in beating my OCD every day. Yes, some days and weeks are better than others. OCD will not stop me from my goal some day to be completely rid of OCD.

You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." — Martin Luther King Jr.

Stay positive, keep the faith... your breakthrough may be just around the corner." — Roy T. Bennett

"Every day is a new beginning. Take a deep breath, smile, and start again." — Unknown

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." — Seneca

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 5/16/26 Tracy Agnelli 5/16/26

OCD Not So Proud Moment

Thank you for reading,

I was having a pretty good week until Friday. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been giving myself praise for beating OCD in little ways. Rachel had me do something like this a couple years back. I will call them proud moments. I think this is to not just stop us always looking at the negative of OCD. Instead it shows us our small wins against OCD can change your mind to think you can do bigger wins to which I have done in the past.

My not so proud moment on Friday. Let me start by saying when I don’t want to miss certain things at work or in my life my OCD knows it. I do maintenance at an elementary school. The last two weeks especially have a lot going on that I don’t want to let people down if I’m not there. The kitchen manager was sick on Thursday. I saw her come out of the kitchen to start to set up Friday morning as I was setting up for preschool promotion along with rearranging breakfast. She didn’t look good. I said, good morning. How are you doing this morning? She told me that I’m really sick and don’t feel good. I don’t like missing two days of work, so I came in. That is all it took for my OCD to take over. I was a jerk by saying you came in to get everyone else sick, so you have no one to work on Monday. I’m going to wear a mask when everyone comes in and hide in my office as much as I can.

As I’m talking to her, she isn’t wearing a mask right now for the reason no one else but me is at the school. She is more than twenty feet from me however that doesn’t stop my OCD. I carry a mask on me when I do stuff outside and when I do filters along with other things I do. I very quickly put it on my mask. My mind starts with doesn’t she understand she is breathing on everything she is around and touching. She or her staff will be surviving food to over six hundred students and staff. Her staff will touch everything she is breathing after they have already washed their hands, so that will not help. This kept going for almost five minutes, then I realized this was all my OCD. I thought I cannot let OCD do this to me. I took my mask off and didn’t wear it for the rest of the day. I finished setting everything up which took about another twenty five minutes. I spent most of my day in the cafe setting up and taking down stuff.

I feel I should have apologized for what I said and how I reacted. I may write her a card to say I’m sorry, or just tell her in person on Monday. What do you think?

On a good note, we did catch two children vandalising the restrooms. One a second grader who would put a lot of toilet paper in the toilet to clog it along with putting it all over the place. The second one was a first grader who was going number 2 on the floor, wiping and putting the toilet paper on the floor along with sometimes finger painting with it. This has been happening for several weeks. Yes, I have to clean this up.

I feel what happened on Friday with the kitchen manager was a bump in the road. I should feel a little proud of myself for realizing it was my OCD taking over in addition to changing my mind set to move on with my day. My goal and mind set is that I'm going to beat OCD completely in the near future. If you think you will have OCD or anything else forever, then you will. Get your mind in the right mind set by telling yourself daily I’m going to be free of OCD forever. Maybe come up with some mantras like I’m going to beat OCD, I’m OCD free, OCD isn’t for me, or you can just Google some. I’ve heard that looking in the mirror while saying mantras helps. I know it is hard to look at yourself while saying something, but it gets easier the more you do it. You can also meditate with mantras. Good Luck on beating OCD.

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” - Willie Nelson

“Most folks are about as happy as they make their mind up to be.” - Abraham Lincoln

“If you hear a voice within you say “You cannot paint.” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced” - Vincent Van Gogh

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 5/9/26 Tracy Agnelli 5/9/26

Massage & OCD

Thank you for reading,

I went to get a massage last weekend for the third time ever for the reason my sister gave me a gift card for either Christmas or my birthday, along with Rachel and I discussing it a little at my last therapy session thinking it would help me destress and relax a little. I told Rachel that I need to relax more, maybe once a month I should do a massage. She thought this was a good idea. I’m a little skeptical about making massages a monthly routine, or maybe it is my OCD voice that is the skeptical one.

I eventually did relax, however it took a little while. My masseuse Noelle showed me to my room in addition to asking me questions. I walk into the room to start to undress, right away I start to ruminate about did they clean it good enough, how many walked on this floor with bare feet that I might get something, how often do they clean the carpet, and my list goes on. I had to shut down my rumination if I wanted to not only enjoy my massage at the same time have a small victory over my OCD. I started using my senses. Everywhere I looked everything was clean. I didn’t feel anything dirty or unclean in any way.

Noelle, comes back in to start my massage talking to me while she is getting a few things read. I got talked into the extra cost of using the hot stones. As she starts my mind tries to think, did I hear her wash her hands before starting my massage? I take a deep breath and tell myself she is a professional and to not to worry about it just to enjoy the massage.

It took about ten to fifteen minutes to get me to relax to start to enjoy the massage. Once the massage was over, and she left me to get dressed, my mind went straight to did she wash her hands after the massage, and is the door hand unclean. Stopped my mind the best I could right there not to go any further with my thoughts to just in joy my massage along with getting through the massage.

As I was leaving they asked me about signing up for another massage. Rachel popped right in my head. She told me once doing an ERP or Exposure Response Prevention once is good, however you need to keep doing it to beat OCD. So I signed up to get a massage monthly. By the way, the hot stones were okay. I don’t think I will do them again for the reason the masseuse rubs them a little while on you, then takes them away, massages, and repeats this over and over again. I was expecting the massage, and then the hot stones, or visa versa.

Now, I was having a pretty good week at work all the way around, until Friday afternoon. There was something happening right after lunch in the cafe that I had to set up. I help with cleaning the cafe along with helping the cafeteria ladies out sometimes because they help me. I was taking out the big rolling trash cart full of trash bags, when the second to last bag either broke or came untied. It doesn’t matter how the bag of trash came apart, what matters is it got on me. My right side of my shirt got a little, but my pants along with my right shoe had a little more on them. It could have been worse. I did clean up my clothes. I started to go overboard with the cleaning of my clothes, then I heard a voice tell me this is starting to be your OCD. You need to stop and move on. Stopped, assessed my clothes. I realized the voice was right. I couldn't do any better than what I already have done, so I moved on. I’m actually proud of myself for moving on. It wasn’t easy for me to do with all the trash I had to clean up from the ground and thinking this is all on me.

To all the mothers out there.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

“Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.” —Merida, Brave.

“They say if you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true.” —Princess Aurora, Sleeping Beauty

If you are like me to some day be free of OCD or anything else you are trying to beat, then don’t stop dreaming or believing for some day maybe it is closer than you think.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 5/2/26 Tracy Agnelli 5/2/26

OCD Or An Irritating Person

Thank you for reading.

One morning this week I was leaving to go to work, and my street was blocked off. I had to go a different way. This bothered me a little bit. The first thing that crossed my mind was that I would be late for work. The next thing that bothered me was that I wasn't going down the same route I normally do. I had to talk to myself to tell myself it was fine going in a different direction. I probably should go in a different direction sometimes. Like Rachels to me, being less extremely unreasonably early. Not late. After about five minutes or so, I started to relax.

Right before my work shift was over, I got asked to do something. This really bothered me for the reason I had to go to therapy which is fifty minutes to an hour away without any problems. I hurried as fast as I could. I got really irritated because it was taking me longer than I wanted. On top of that I didn’t want to leave late or be late for my appointment, which I’m thirty to forty minutes early every time.

On the way back to my office to clock out, I remembered what Rachel told me last session. That she wants me to leave work later or go somewhere so I am not so early. I don’t know if I can do that. The what if’s set in. What if something happens to the vehicle and I have to fix it, or get around an accident, etc., then I would be late.

I left on time, but then started to worry about being late to my appointment with Rachel, even though I left on time. I was trying to hurry for no reason. Again, I had to talk to myself for a while to get myself to not worry about being late even though I left on time. The rest of the trip was much more relaxed, and smoother.

Me worrying about being late is a bigger problem than I thought I had. Once I started paying more attention to it in the last several weeks.

I’m doing better with picking stuff up outside without gloves. I still ruminate, but not as much. I do a little compulsions sometimes too. I am proud of myself for doing better with this.

A front office person went to the doctor on Monday and came in to work half a day. The person was sick, and wasn’t wearing a mask. Tuesday the person called in sick. Wednesday, the person came to work and I heard the person tell someone similarly that they could feel bad at home or work, and why not come to work. Thursday the person was walking by me and told me that they were trying to keep the distance between me and others because they were sick. The person still isn’t wearing a mask. Friday the person was feeling better.

This was really irritating to me. I like the person. They are a nice person in every way. I feel people are selfish when they don’t stay home when they are sick or at least don’t wear a mask.

Maybe this is my OCD talking, and I need to get over it. Am I wrong or right?

“Never be so busy as not to think of others.”

— Mother Teresa

Life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we react to it – Charles R. Swindoll

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 4/25/26 Tracy Agnelli 4/25/26

OCD & Rushing

Thank you for reading,

It is nice to get back to a normal routine, since my aunt left on Monday. LOL! I say this, but I’m not sure I know what a normal routine is any more. I have so much going on or wanting to do that I feel that I’m busy non-stop a lot of times. It makes me wonder if this ties into me needing to be early to everything. Probably not.

About me being early. In the mornings I have tried to take my time to not to worry about leaving a minute or two late or even try to leave a minute or two late. I have some anxiety with this. I do everything normal in the morning, however, I have been stopping my writing about five to ten minutes later to try to push myself not to rush my writing or myself in the morning. I start getting dressed and start looking at the clock and moving quicker. I believe I left one to two minutes later only once or twice this week, even after taking more time with my writing.

Let’s take my appointment yesterday at 3:15 p.m. It takes fifty minutes to an hour to get there. I thought about taking off an hour of work to make sure I get there on time. I decided to leave only thirty minutes early, and that would have gotten me there fifteen to twenty five minutes early. This was hard for me to do. I ruminated about this a lot this week. I did get to my appointment twenty five minutes early. I still had to talk to myself at least half way there telling myself I will not be late or way too early. You don’t need to rush. It is better to be late, than hurting someone because you caused an accident.

I started talking to myself to help me realize I don’t need to rush to do anything. I need to remember to use the phrase Rachel gave me. Less extremely unreasonably early. Not late. I am doing a little better with this, like everyone else I want it to happen now.

My Contamination OCD this week, I started in the middle of the week to be more mindful of my OCD. I haven't been for awhile. I have been reacting too fast and doing compulsions. The rest of the week I did good. A couple of things I’m proud of is, at home I used the dust pan and broom and didn't use gloves or I didn't wash my hands. At work I picked up stuff outside and didn't wipe my hands off or wash them.

“In today’s rush, we all think too much, seek too much, want too much, and forget about the joy of just Being.” — Eckhart Tolle

“When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things.” — Robert M. Pirsig

“Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses.” — Walter Hagen

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 4/18/26 Tracy Agnelli 4/18/26

OCD and Being Late

Thank you for reading,

I have had issues with being late for a long time. Rachel and I discussed this along with not feeling so stressed, relationships, I need not to be so strictly regimented, I need to be able to do stuff spontaneously, be more relaxed, and to keep an eye on my contamination OCD at this week’s session.

Why I feel late - having a lot to accomplish before leaving for somewhere, if I don’t leaving at a certain time, Not getting somewhere at a certain time, Not getting the parking spot on what, and the list goes on.

Let me start with Monday. I had a procedure with a doctor across town. I needed to be there at 11:30 a.m. I was Ubering over there, and a family member was picking me up. I started to check times of how long it would take and how long Uber was out around 9:30 a.m. I was checking about every ten minutes at the beginning, then went to every five. I was so worried about not being there at 11 a.m. that I called the Uber to come get me at 10:12 a.m. Are you wondering why I am worried about not getting there a half an hour early when my appointment isn’t until 11:30 a.m. I feel I’m late to things if I’m not at least twenty minutes to half an hour early. I feel uncomfortable saying twenty minutes. I like half an hour to an hour early everywhere I go.

I got to my appointment at 11:04 a.m. I was checked in by 11:15 a.m. I didn’t get in until 12:30 p.m. because my doctor was running late. Boy was this a fun discussion with Rachel the next day.

On Tuesday there was a person at work who we celebrated their birthday with. Everyone couldn’t get together until 2:15 p.m. and I leave at 2:30 p.m., which means I clocked out and left work late. Even though I was going to see Rachel, which is a fifty minute drive and my therapy appointment doesn’t start till 4 p.m. I have plenty of time. This is where my OCD kicks in. What if there is an accident I cannot get around, or I have a problem with my vehicle, or there is road construction that slows me down, and the list goes on. I have never been late to a session with Rachel yet, but I don’t want to start either.

Another way I think I’m late that I just thought of is when I’m driving somewhere I go to all the time like to therapy is I know where I should be at a certain time. For instance, I know around about 2:50 p.m. I should be close to getting on the freeway. If I’m not then I’m late. I do this with a lot of things.

Last night, which was Friday, didn’t go well either. I had a play to go to across town. I try to get there at about 6 p.m., even though the show doesn’t start til 7:30 p.m. I like getting a close parking spot, so I can beat all the traffic. I looked for the first time at how long it was going to take me to get there at 4:30 p.m which was thirty - seven minutes. I kept checking. At 5:27 p.m. I left, and got there and parked at 6:10 p.m. I couldn't stop thinking all the way here how I might not get my spot. I am so crazy about doing the same thing at the same time or leaving at the same time.

Trying to change myself on not being so early isn’t going to be easy. I don't like change. I need to embrace change better than I do.

No, I didn’t get the parking stop I wanted for the reason there were three or four other events going on. I had to park almost on the third level.

I am trying to be more positive that I got there ten minutes later than I normally do. It makes me wonder if I ever do start dating again will a person be so willing to get to place this early.

Towards the end of my session Rachel mentioned that I need not to be so strictly regimented. I need to be able to do stuff spontaneously. I’m definitely regimented in everything I do.

My aunt came into town to see a couple of people. She got her on Wednesday and leaves Monday. It is nice to have someone to talk to at night, however for me it is a little difficult. I have been five months with no one around, so I’m used to doing things without anyone around, so I have to pay attention to what I do and when I do things.

I don’t do good with my OCD when my aunt is around. She is a good person although she is free spirited, which isn’t good for my OCD. There isn’t much that I know that bothers her, or maybe everything bothers me because of my OCD. That is probably it. Rachel and I have talked about wiping the bathroom down after she takes a shower and before I take a shower. I just cannot stop for the reason I put my clean clothes, towel and wash cloth on the counter. I would love to stop or figure something else out. I know I should use my senses better. I feel so convicted.

I still have a lot to work on, nevertheless I have come a long way with God and Rachel’s help. I need to do a little more with my part.

"You're not going to enjoy every minute of the journey. But the success you'll find at the end will make it all worth it." --Muhammad Ali

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 4/11/26 Tracy Agnelli 4/11/26

I Lost It, But Not My OCD

Thank you for reading,

Last Saturday after writing last week's Blog, I went to Tai Chi, and the contractors came by to finish the front bathroom. Remember they finished the master bathroom, so my OCD had me put on a keyed lock on the master bedroom door. The contractors called me while I was at Tai Chi. I told them that they didn’t need to go into the master bathroom because it was finished. They were told it wasn’t finished, they would call their boss and ask. After Tai Chil I did some errands. When I got home I found my master bedroom had been broken into by the contractors that did the work.

Saying I totally lost it was an under statement. I called the guy who called to give him a piece of my mind, which he denied doing, then I called the project manager who didn’t answer and left him a not so nice message. I called the company to talk to a person answering the phone who told me that a manager will contact me on Monday. I told the lady on the phone that their stuff would be outside. After calming down a little on Saturday I put all their stuff outside. This set me off again for the reason I found one of my shirts that was in my dresser drawer with their stuff that they used as a rag.

Not just did my OCD get going into high gear, also I felt violated. I didn’t use any senses. I just took stuff out of my drawer and started washing stuff, then I started cleaning. I didn’t get myself or my OCD under control for awhile.

I came to find out on Monday from the manager that the project manager went on vacation for a couple of days and should have given me the manager’s phone number just in case I needed someone. The manager is going to have someone different come and fix the shower doors today. After that I will fix anything else myself because I want to be done with this company and this project for good.

At Easter Lunch/Dinner I noticed someone got a big fork to pick up the ham with. They clean off what I think were smudges without washing their hands. At least I hope it was smudges and not the fork being not cleaned along with the fact that they didn’t wash their hands before wiping off the smudges. I saw a couple of things like this, but I decided to push through them all other than react to my OCD. This wasn’t easy to do. I have my OCD asking me don’t people care where they spread germs, or if they get others sick. I told myself to stop and that I would be fine. Then I went to socialize.

I went to see Rachel, my therapist this week again, and I’m going next week as well. I needed a little more help getting through everything I've been going through lately. I needed to get myself back on track. I’ve learned over time that I cannot always do this on my own. It has taken me a long time to ask for help when I needed it. I shouldn’t wait so long. I’m like a lot of people who are too proud, too embarrassed, or just plain stubborn to ask for help. You might need help with OCD, PTSD, any anxiety issue, help cleaning your house, your lawn, or any number of things. My advice this week to you is stop waiting to ask for help that you desperately need.

For me, being vulnerable is asking for help from other people whatever it may be.

Mason Jennings

I think t he hardest part to get to is that point of asking for h elp or reachin g out to other peo ple and being honest with yourself.

Mary-Kate Olsen

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizon a

https://ocd and ptsdtherapy.co m/

https://oc daz.org/

United States & Global

https://iocdf.org/p rograms/conferences/?gad_source=1&gad_campaig ni d=20295458322&g br aid=0AAAAAD3KKF E7_I6w2iG6UR0ya 0vTONg42&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzOvEBhDVARIsADHfJJRvqrNH9UmVG9j-5QUox1fhxUldNOWw1CDKoTQnUecpSXilr_4heKoaArw2EA Lw_wcB

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli

Tracy Agnelli 4/4/26 Tracy Agnelli 4/4/26

Cleaning OCD

Thank you for reading,

I got to stay at the house on Wednesday for the first time in almost two weeks. I took a half day off of work to do some cleaning at the house. There was dust and dirt everywhere. The cleaning didn’t go as smooth as I was hoping it would. To keep this short I had issues with my washer, my vacuum decided to die besides a couple of other set backs. I also had in the back of my head about putting a keyed lock on my bedroom door, so the contractors when they came back to finish the hallway bathroom didn’t go into the master bedroom anymore. Not only do I not trust them in many ways, but I also think it is my OCD talking to me. I went to Ace Hardware three times. I did give into my OCD, and bought a lock for the bedroom door.

I saw Rachel, my therapist this week. We had a lot to unpack. I see her every other week. I almost called to try to get in last week too due to the fact I knew I wasn’t doing good emotionally or with my OCD. I was right that all the stress was making my OCD worse. Rachel is kind, caring at the same time she is for a lack of words firm with me to put me back on track. She isn’t mean in any way. She is a blessing.

I was holding on to a lot of things that I didn't realize. I also learned by taking a picture of something which I took a couple of pictures of. These are compulsions too. It is a way for me to keep looking at it and keep reminding myself of it, and stressing over it. Rachel helped me see I was doing these things to not deal with other things in my life like mom’s loss. It’s only been fourteen months. Rachel explained to me how I was masking my feelings with my OCD. I let some anger in. I've pushed my feelings of mom's passing to the back, so I didn't have to deal with them. No matter if it's OCD or somebody doing something to me or anything else I need to deal with it then release it. I need to forgive whatever it is and move on.

Along the lines of holding on to things, when I was having to deal with the wall tile again for the reason the contractor told me I needed a cap on it or a different type of tile. I was back in the store looking at tile when I called a friend to discuss my tile problem. She said to me why was I trying to put the house back together like my mom had it, and not the way I wanted it. Do you really want tile on the walls? At that point I almost started to cry. I had to hold back my tears, and leave the store. She was right. I never thought of what I wanted in the decor for the house. Deep inside me just wanted to keep mom around as much as possible.

Leave you with this.

Princess Diaries quote - Mia: But then I thought, if I cared about the other 7 billion out there instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.

I need to stop ruminating. I have a lot of time by myself at home and work. That is no excuse for me to ruminate. I need to use my time more wisely by thinking of my family, friends, my writing, talking to God, praying, etc. Anything is better than leaving myself in a vicious loop that only makes me more stressed, depressed along with so many other things. I’m going to keep fighting to beat my OCD, so please keep fighting to beat whatever you have to beat.

Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.

In Arizona

https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/

https://ocdaz.org/

United States & Global

Until next time,

Tracy T. Agnelli