OCD Not So Proud Moment
Thank you for reading,
I was having a pretty good week until Friday. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been giving myself praise for beating OCD in little ways. Rachel had me do something like this a couple years back. I will call them proud moments. I think this is to not just stop us always looking at the negative of OCD. Instead it shows us our small wins against OCD can change your mind to think you can do bigger wins to which I have done in the past.
My not so proud moment on Friday. Let me start by saying when I don’t want to miss certain things at work or in my life my OCD knows it. I do maintenance at an elementary school. The last two weeks especially have a lot going on that I don’t want to let people down if I’m not there. The kitchen manager was sick on Thursday. I saw her come out of the kitchen to start to set up Friday morning as I was setting up for preschool promotion along with rearranging breakfast. She didn’t look good. I said, good morning. How are you doing this morning? She told me that I’m really sick and don’t feel good. I don’t like missing two days of work, so I came in. That is all it took for my OCD to take over. I was a jerk by saying you came in to get everyone else sick, so you have no one to work on Monday. I’m going to wear a mask when everyone comes in and hide in my office as much as I can.
As I’m talking to her, she isn’t wearing a mask right now for the reason no one else but me is at the school. She is more than twenty feet from me however that doesn’t stop my OCD. I carry a mask on me when I do stuff outside and when I do filters along with other things I do. I very quickly put it on my mask. My mind starts with doesn’t she understand she is breathing on everything she is around and touching. She or her staff will be surviving food to over six hundred students and staff. Her staff will touch everything she is breathing after they have already washed their hands, so that will not help. This kept going for almost five minutes, then I realized this was all my OCD. I thought I cannot let OCD do this to me. I took my mask off and didn’t wear it for the rest of the day. I finished setting everything up which took about another twenty five minutes. I spent most of my day in the cafe setting up and taking down stuff.
I feel I should have apologized for what I said and how I reacted. I may write her a card to say I’m sorry, or just tell her in person on Monday. What do you think?
On a good note, we did catch two children vandalising the restrooms. One a second grader who would put a lot of toilet paper in the toilet to clog it along with putting it all over the place. The second one was a first grader who was going number 2 on the floor, wiping and putting the toilet paper on the floor along with sometimes finger painting with it. This has been happening for several weeks. Yes, I have to clean this up.
I feel what happened on Friday with the kitchen manager was a bump in the road. I should feel a little proud of myself for realizing it was my OCD taking over in addition to changing my mind set to move on with my day. My goal and mind set is that I'm going to beat OCD completely in the near future. If you think you will have OCD or anything else forever, then you will. Get your mind in the right mind set by telling yourself daily I’m going to be free of OCD forever. Maybe come up with some mantras like I’m going to beat OCD, I’m OCD free, OCD isn’t for me, or you can just Google some. I’ve heard that looking in the mirror while saying mantras helps. I know it is hard to look at yourself while saying something, but it gets easier the more you do it. You can also meditate with mantras. Good Luck on beating OCD.
“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” - Willie Nelson
“Most folks are about as happy as they make their mind up to be.” - Abraham Lincoln
“If you hear a voice within you say “You cannot paint.” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced” - Vincent Van Gogh
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Massage & OCD
Thank you for reading,
I went to get a massage last weekend for the third time ever for the reason my sister gave me a gift card for either Christmas or my birthday, along with Rachel and I discussing it a little at my last therapy session thinking it would help me destress and relax a little. I told Rachel that I need to relax more, maybe once a month I should do a massage. She thought this was a good idea. I’m a little skeptical about making massages a monthly routine, or maybe it is my OCD voice that is the skeptical one.
I eventually did relax, however it took a little while. My masseuse Noelle showed me to my room in addition to asking me questions. I walk into the room to start to undress, right away I start to ruminate about did they clean it good enough, how many walked on this floor with bare feet that I might get something, how often do they clean the carpet, and my list goes on. I had to shut down my rumination if I wanted to not only enjoy my massage at the same time have a small victory over my OCD. I started using my senses. Everywhere I looked everything was clean. I didn’t feel anything dirty or unclean in any way.
Noelle, comes back in to start my massage talking to me while she is getting a few things read. I got talked into the extra cost of using the hot stones. As she starts my mind tries to think, did I hear her wash her hands before starting my massage? I take a deep breath and tell myself she is a professional and to not to worry about it just to enjoy the massage.
It took about ten to fifteen minutes to get me to relax to start to enjoy the massage. Once the massage was over, and she left me to get dressed, my mind went straight to did she wash her hands after the massage, and is the door hand unclean. Stopped my mind the best I could right there not to go any further with my thoughts to just in joy my massage along with getting through the massage.
As I was leaving they asked me about signing up for another massage. Rachel popped right in my head. She told me once doing an ERP or Exposure Response Prevention once is good, however you need to keep doing it to beat OCD. So I signed up to get a massage monthly. By the way, the hot stones were okay. I don’t think I will do them again for the reason the masseuse rubs them a little while on you, then takes them away, massages, and repeats this over and over again. I was expecting the massage, and then the hot stones, or visa versa.
Now, I was having a pretty good week at work all the way around, until Friday afternoon. There was something happening right after lunch in the cafe that I had to set up. I help with cleaning the cafe along with helping the cafeteria ladies out sometimes because they help me. I was taking out the big rolling trash cart full of trash bags, when the second to last bag either broke or came untied. It doesn’t matter how the bag of trash came apart, what matters is it got on me. My right side of my shirt got a little, but my pants along with my right shoe had a little more on them. It could have been worse. I did clean up my clothes. I started to go overboard with the cleaning of my clothes, then I heard a voice tell me this is starting to be your OCD. You need to stop and move on. Stopped, assessed my clothes. I realized the voice was right. I couldn't do any better than what I already have done, so I moved on. I’m actually proud of myself for moving on. It wasn’t easy for me to do with all the trash I had to clean up from the ground and thinking this is all on me.
To all the mothers out there.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
“Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.” —Merida, Brave.
“They say if you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true.” —Princess Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
If you are like me to some day be free of OCD or anything else you are trying to beat, then don’t stop dreaming or believing for some day maybe it is closer than you think.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
OCD Or An Irritating Person
Thank you for reading.
One morning this week I was leaving to go to work, and my street was blocked off. I had to go a different way. This bothered me a little bit. The first thing that crossed my mind was that I would be late for work. The next thing that bothered me was that I wasn't going down the same route I normally do. I had to talk to myself to tell myself it was fine going in a different direction. I probably should go in a different direction sometimes. Like Rachels to me, being less extremely unreasonably early. Not late. After about five minutes or so, I started to relax.
Right before my work shift was over, I got asked to do something. This really bothered me for the reason I had to go to therapy which is fifty minutes to an hour away without any problems. I hurried as fast as I could. I got really irritated because it was taking me longer than I wanted. On top of that I didn’t want to leave late or be late for my appointment, which I’m thirty to forty minutes early every time.
On the way back to my office to clock out, I remembered what Rachel told me last session. That she wants me to leave work later or go somewhere so I am not so early. I don’t know if I can do that. The what if’s set in. What if something happens to the vehicle and I have to fix it, or get around an accident, etc., then I would be late.
I left on time, but then started to worry about being late to my appointment with Rachel, even though I left on time. I was trying to hurry for no reason. Again, I had to talk to myself for a while to get myself to not worry about being late even though I left on time. The rest of the trip was much more relaxed, and smoother.
Me worrying about being late is a bigger problem than I thought I had. Once I started paying more attention to it in the last several weeks.
I’m doing better with picking stuff up outside without gloves. I still ruminate, but not as much. I do a little compulsions sometimes too. I am proud of myself for doing better with this.
A front office person went to the doctor on Monday and came in to work half a day. The person was sick, and wasn’t wearing a mask. Tuesday the person called in sick. Wednesday, the person came to work and I heard the person tell someone similarly that they could feel bad at home or work, and why not come to work. Thursday the person was walking by me and told me that they were trying to keep the distance between me and others because they were sick. The person still isn’t wearing a mask. Friday the person was feeling better.
This was really irritating to me. I like the person. They are a nice person in every way. I feel people are selfish when they don’t stay home when they are sick or at least don’t wear a mask.
Maybe this is my OCD talking, and I need to get over it. Am I wrong or right?
“Never be so busy as not to think of others.”
Life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we react to it – Charles R. Swindoll
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
OCD & Rushing
Thank you for reading,
It is nice to get back to a normal routine, since my aunt left on Monday. LOL! I say this, but I’m not sure I know what a normal routine is any more. I have so much going on or wanting to do that I feel that I’m busy non-stop a lot of times. It makes me wonder if this ties into me needing to be early to everything. Probably not.
About me being early. In the mornings I have tried to take my time to not to worry about leaving a minute or two late or even try to leave a minute or two late. I have some anxiety with this. I do everything normal in the morning, however, I have been stopping my writing about five to ten minutes later to try to push myself not to rush my writing or myself in the morning. I start getting dressed and start looking at the clock and moving quicker. I believe I left one to two minutes later only once or twice this week, even after taking more time with my writing.
Let’s take my appointment yesterday at 3:15 p.m. It takes fifty minutes to an hour to get there. I thought about taking off an hour of work to make sure I get there on time. I decided to leave only thirty minutes early, and that would have gotten me there fifteen to twenty five minutes early. This was hard for me to do. I ruminated about this a lot this week. I did get to my appointment twenty five minutes early. I still had to talk to myself at least half way there telling myself I will not be late or way too early. You don’t need to rush. It is better to be late, than hurting someone because you caused an accident.
I started talking to myself to help me realize I don’t need to rush to do anything. I need to remember to use the phrase Rachel gave me. Less extremely unreasonably early. Not late. I am doing a little better with this, like everyone else I want it to happen now.
My Contamination OCD this week, I started in the middle of the week to be more mindful of my OCD. I haven't been for awhile. I have been reacting too fast and doing compulsions. The rest of the week I did good. A couple of things I’m proud of is, at home I used the dust pan and broom and didn't use gloves or I didn't wash my hands. At work I picked up stuff outside and didn't wipe my hands off or wash them.
“In today’s rush, we all think too much, seek too much, want too much, and forget about the joy of just Being.” — Eckhart Tolle
“When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things.” — Robert M. Pirsig
“Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses.” — Walter Hagen
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
OCD and Being Late
Thank you for reading,
I have had issues with being late for a long time. Rachel and I discussed this along with not feeling so stressed, relationships, I need not to be so strictly regimented, I need to be able to do stuff spontaneously, be more relaxed, and to keep an eye on my contamination OCD at this week’s session.
Why I feel late - having a lot to accomplish before leaving for somewhere, if I don’t leaving at a certain time, Not getting somewhere at a certain time, Not getting the parking spot on what, and the list goes on.
Let me start with Monday. I had a procedure with a doctor across town. I needed to be there at 11:30 a.m. I was Ubering over there, and a family member was picking me up. I started to check times of how long it would take and how long Uber was out around 9:30 a.m. I was checking about every ten minutes at the beginning, then went to every five. I was so worried about not being there at 11 a.m. that I called the Uber to come get me at 10:12 a.m. Are you wondering why I am worried about not getting there a half an hour early when my appointment isn’t until 11:30 a.m. I feel I’m late to things if I’m not at least twenty minutes to half an hour early. I feel uncomfortable saying twenty minutes. I like half an hour to an hour early everywhere I go.
I got to my appointment at 11:04 a.m. I was checked in by 11:15 a.m. I didn’t get in until 12:30 p.m. because my doctor was running late. Boy was this a fun discussion with Rachel the next day.
On Tuesday there was a person at work who we celebrated their birthday with. Everyone couldn’t get together until 2:15 p.m. and I leave at 2:30 p.m., which means I clocked out and left work late. Even though I was going to see Rachel, which is a fifty minute drive and my therapy appointment doesn’t start till 4 p.m. I have plenty of time. This is where my OCD kicks in. What if there is an accident I cannot get around, or I have a problem with my vehicle, or there is road construction that slows me down, and the list goes on. I have never been late to a session with Rachel yet, but I don’t want to start either.
Another way I think I’m late that I just thought of is when I’m driving somewhere I go to all the time like to therapy is I know where I should be at a certain time. For instance, I know around about 2:50 p.m. I should be close to getting on the freeway. If I’m not then I’m late. I do this with a lot of things.
Last night, which was Friday, didn’t go well either. I had a play to go to across town. I try to get there at about 6 p.m., even though the show doesn’t start til 7:30 p.m. I like getting a close parking spot, so I can beat all the traffic. I looked for the first time at how long it was going to take me to get there at 4:30 p.m which was thirty - seven minutes. I kept checking. At 5:27 p.m. I left, and got there and parked at 6:10 p.m. I couldn't stop thinking all the way here how I might not get my spot. I am so crazy about doing the same thing at the same time or leaving at the same time.
Trying to change myself on not being so early isn’t going to be easy. I don't like change. I need to embrace change better than I do.
No, I didn’t get the parking stop I wanted for the reason there were three or four other events going on. I had to park almost on the third level.
I am trying to be more positive that I got there ten minutes later than I normally do. It makes me wonder if I ever do start dating again will a person be so willing to get to place this early.
Towards the end of my session Rachel mentioned that I need not to be so strictly regimented. I need to be able to do stuff spontaneously. I’m definitely regimented in everything I do.
My aunt came into town to see a couple of people. She got her on Wednesday and leaves Monday. It is nice to have someone to talk to at night, however for me it is a little difficult. I have been five months with no one around, so I’m used to doing things without anyone around, so I have to pay attention to what I do and when I do things.
I don’t do good with my OCD when my aunt is around. She is a good person although she is free spirited, which isn’t good for my OCD. There isn’t much that I know that bothers her, or maybe everything bothers me because of my OCD. That is probably it. Rachel and I have talked about wiping the bathroom down after she takes a shower and before I take a shower. I just cannot stop for the reason I put my clean clothes, towel and wash cloth on the counter. I would love to stop or figure something else out. I know I should use my senses better. I feel so convicted.
I still have a lot to work on, nevertheless I have come a long way with God and Rachel’s help. I need to do a little more with my part.
"You're not going to enjoy every minute of the journey. But the success you'll find at the end will make it all worth it." --Muhammad Ali
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
I Lost It, But Not My OCD
Thank you for reading,
Last Saturday after writing last week's Blog, I went to Tai Chi, and the contractors came by to finish the front bathroom. Remember they finished the master bathroom, so my OCD had me put on a keyed lock on the master bedroom door. The contractors called me while I was at Tai Chi. I told them that they didn’t need to go into the master bathroom because it was finished. They were told it wasn’t finished, they would call their boss and ask. After Tai Chil I did some errands. When I got home I found my master bedroom had been broken into by the contractors that did the work.
Saying I totally lost it was an under statement. I called the guy who called to give him a piece of my mind, which he denied doing, then I called the project manager who didn’t answer and left him a not so nice message. I called the company to talk to a person answering the phone who told me that a manager will contact me on Monday. I told the lady on the phone that their stuff would be outside. After calming down a little on Saturday I put all their stuff outside. This set me off again for the reason I found one of my shirts that was in my dresser drawer with their stuff that they used as a rag.
Not just did my OCD get going into high gear, also I felt violated. I didn’t use any senses. I just took stuff out of my drawer and started washing stuff, then I started cleaning. I didn’t get myself or my OCD under control for awhile.
I came to find out on Monday from the manager that the project manager went on vacation for a couple of days and should have given me the manager’s phone number just in case I needed someone. The manager is going to have someone different come and fix the shower doors today. After that I will fix anything else myself because I want to be done with this company and this project for good.
At Easter Lunch/Dinner I noticed someone got a big fork to pick up the ham with. They clean off what I think were smudges without washing their hands. At least I hope it was smudges and not the fork being not cleaned along with the fact that they didn’t wash their hands before wiping off the smudges. I saw a couple of things like this, but I decided to push through them all other than react to my OCD. This wasn’t easy to do. I have my OCD asking me don’t people care where they spread germs, or if they get others sick. I told myself to stop and that I would be fine. Then I went to socialize.
I went to see Rachel, my therapist this week again, and I’m going next week as well. I needed a little more help getting through everything I've been going through lately. I needed to get myself back on track. I’ve learned over time that I cannot always do this on my own. It has taken me a long time to ask for help when I needed it. I shouldn’t wait so long. I’m like a lot of people who are too proud, too embarrassed, or just plain stubborn to ask for help. You might need help with OCD, PTSD, any anxiety issue, help cleaning your house, your lawn, or any number of things. My advice this week to you is stop waiting to ask for help that you desperately need.
For me, being vulnerable is asking for help from other people whatever it may be.
I think the hardest part to get to is that point of asking for help or reaching out to other people and being honest with yourself.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://iocdf.org/programs/conferences/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20295458322&gbraid=0AAAAAD3KKFE7_I6w2iG6UR0ya0vTONg42&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzOvEBhDVARIsADHfJJRvqrNH9UmVG9j-5QUox1fhxUldNOWw1CDKoTQnUecpSXilr_4heKoaArw2EALw_wcB
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Cleaning OCD
Thank you for reading,
I got to stay at the house on Wednesday for the first time in almost two weeks. I took a half day off of work to do some cleaning at the house. There was dust and dirt everywhere. The cleaning didn’t go as smooth as I was hoping it would. To keep this short I had issues with my washer, my vacuum decided to die besides a couple of other set backs. I also had in the back of my head about putting a keyed lock on my bedroom door, so the contractors when they came back to finish the hallway bathroom didn’t go into the master bedroom anymore. Not only do I not trust them in many ways, but I also think it is my OCD talking to me. I went to Ace Hardware three times. I did give into my OCD, and bought a lock for the bedroom door.
I saw Rachel, my therapist this week. We had a lot to unpack. I see her every other week. I almost called to try to get in last week too due to the fact I knew I wasn’t doing good emotionally or with my OCD. I was right that all the stress was making my OCD worse. Rachel is kind, caring at the same time she is for a lack of words firm with me to put me back on track. She isn’t mean in any way. She is a blessing.
I was holding on to a lot of things that I didn't realize. I also learned by taking a picture of something which I took a couple of pictures of. These are compulsions too. It is a way for me to keep looking at it and keep reminding myself of it, and stressing over it. Rachel helped me see I was doing these things to not deal with other things in my life like mom’s loss. It’s only been fourteen months. Rachel explained to me how I was masking my feelings with my OCD. I let some anger in. I've pushed my feelings of mom's passing to the back, so I didn't have to deal with them. No matter if it's OCD or somebody doing something to me or anything else I need to deal with it then release it. I need to forgive whatever it is and move on.
Along the lines of holding on to things, when I was having to deal with the wall tile again for the reason the contractor told me I needed a cap on it or a different type of tile. I was back in the store looking at tile when I called a friend to discuss my tile problem. She said to me why was I trying to put the house back together like my mom had it, and not the way I wanted it. Do you really want tile on the walls? At that point I almost started to cry. I had to hold back my tears, and leave the store. She was right. I never thought of what I wanted in the decor for the house. Deep inside me just wanted to keep mom around as much as possible.
Leave you with this.
Princess Diaries quote - Mia: But then I thought, if I cared about the other 7 billion out there instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.
I need to stop ruminating. I have a lot of time by myself at home and work. That is no excuse for me to ruminate. I need to use my time more wisely by thinking of my family, friends, my writing, talking to God, praying, etc. Anything is better than leaving myself in a vicious loop that only makes me more stressed, depressed along with so many other things. I’m going to keep fighting to beat my OCD, so please keep fighting to beat whatever you have to beat.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Hotels and OCD
Thank you for reading,
I’ve been in a hotel all week due to the fact that my bathrooms are finally getting done. The company told me they would be done on Friday, it is now Saturday, and they aren’t even done with one. I checked out of the hotel believing that they would have at least one done today. Well, after checking out at the hotel at 8 a.m. this morning I got to the house with no one there, and not any of the bathrooms were even close. I text the project manager for him to tell me they would be done today. I asked what time 4 p.m. or later. He told me probably later. There was no way I was going to be able to stay there tonight, so I called the hotel back and made another reservation. I asked for the same room or a similar room on floor one. This is less than an hour after I checked out. I asked for the same room on the first floor. The person told me no problem. I’m on the fourth floor and my room is not even close to the same area I was in.
The first day in the hotel I started having some issues with my OCD. The sink handle I could turn on fine, but I was using tissues to turn it off. I started to ruminate about other people touching the handle after washing their hands and how it could be contaminated. The second day I had to stop my compulsions. I had to use my senses. I looked at the handle after washing my hands, I didn’t see anything, but I knew contamination was there. It was harder to push down than I thought it would be and my hand slipped and touched a piece where I turned it on, so I rewashed my hands. This time I turned it off, dried my hands and left. Even though I’m still having an uneasy feeling turning off the sink handle I’m not doing compulsion. At least not physical compulsions. My rumination has gotten better too.
Several times this week at work I tried to pick up stuff at work without gloves on and not do a compulsion. Either I would wipe my hand on my pants which is a compulsion, or the one time I didn’t wipe my hand on my pants I ruminated about my hand and what it was touching until I had to use the restroom a while later. That is a compulsion. In other words I failed. It isn’t from a lack of trying. The stuff outside isn’t just dirty, but it is lying on the ground that people step on, spit on, etc. Also with clothes there is a chance it could have lice. We do get lice at school at least once a year. That is still no reason to do a compulsion.
I was using a furniture dolly the other day and when I picked it up one of the wheels touched my butt. I wanna do a compulsion by wiping my butt off because the wheels were on the ground, and you know how I feel about the ground. I did good with this. I let it go with no compulsions at all.
This morning I had some issues with putting my extra shoes in their bag, along with my laundry bag and my shirt I was going to wear. I didn’t know where to put them that my mind didn’t think it was dirty. It was a little stressful for a while. I said to myself Tracy use your senses. I didn’t see anything wrong on the desk, so I put the shirt there. As for the shoes and the laundry bag, I failed. I did a compulsion because the bottom of the shoes touched the outside of the bag along with the dirty clothes touching the outside of the laundry bag.
I started to wonder the other day about how stress in my life has most likely made my OCD a little worse lately. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, however I definitely need to do a lot better with my OCD, than I have been doing.
I will end on a good note. I had a nice time again dancing last night, and for the second week in a row I did no compulsions. This week was even better for the reason I didn’t think about how many different peoples hands I touched or didn’t even think about washing my hands at all until writing this. That is awesome.
“You don’t lose hope, love. If you do, you lose everything.” —Mrs. Potts, Beauty and the Beast.
Never stop believing you can beat whatever you have. With God all things are possible.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
OCD Rollercoaster
Thank you for reading,
I had a busy week, not just at work. I’ve talked about being more social, or having a social life again. This week I started trying a little more. First, I’ve been trying to do some online dating, however it isn’t going well. On Tuesday, I decided to go to an in person speed dating event. I had a good time, even though I didn’t find anyone. It’s been a long time that I actually talked to someone other than family and friends to try to make a connection with. It was nice to do in a safe environment with people you know are trying to do the same thing. It gave me a little confidence to be able to talk to someone again. Then came the next day, my OCD was in my head again telling me as soon as you tell them you have OCD they will be gone. I tell myself that I’ve hidden my OCD before, so I can do it again. I don’t like that approach for the reason I want to be honest with everyone besides that fact that is no way to start a relationship. My OCD keeps telling me I guess you can never be in a relationship again. I keep pushing back at my OCD telling it I’ve had relationships before and I will again.
At work this week I picked up clothes without gloves, but still did a compulsion by wiping my hands on my pants. Yes, wiping your hands off in any way is a compulsion for the reason it makes my mind feel better that I’m wiping off germs. I would love to give myself that boy for this, on the contrary I cannot. I tell myself that I will beat OCD next time.
I’m having some work done in the bathroom at the house, so a guy came over to check it out. I forgot to take out my towels, so after he left I changed them out. This was my OCD screaming at me. You messed up big time buddy. I didn’t even hesitate, I just did it. I haven’t put or used towels in the bathroom for a very long time. I kept them in my bedroom. I just recently started putting my bath towel in the bathroom after my aunt left the last time. I know I need to get better with this, but at the same time it is really hard for me. I want a clean towel to dry off with, so if someone touches it even with the side of their arm the towel is dirty. I would even add if they breathe on it. I can see now Rachel and I are going to have a long talk about this.
Last night I went to a dance studio that teaches West Coast Swing Dance for beginners for only fifteen dollars on Friday nights. I thought it was only going to be forty - five minutes, but it actually was two and half hours. There were couples there, but I went by myself. The couple just wanted to dance together and stayed on one side of the floor while the rest of us rotated partners throughout. I didn’t think about washing my hands until half way through due to the fact I was touching so many different people’s hands, but I didn’t. Ya me! I had a lot of fun dancing last night. I’m planning on going back next Friday.
Now this morning, my sinuses are doing worse, and I started to wonder if I caught something from someone last night. I know this is all my OCD talking, but this morning my OCD is a little loud. I just got over a sinus infection and don’t want to get another one, anything else, or miss any more work is probably why my OCD is nagging me this morning. I will work at stopping the ruminations after I get done writing this. I will let go, and move on.
I’ve enjoyed this week a lot, even though it was a little bit of a roller coaster with my OCD. I’m a work in progress.
One last thing to end this on is my OCD has been a lot worse than it is right now. I’m very grateful for God helping me get better to this point. I worry about a social life, dating along with a lot of over things, and how I will be able to handle it, however there is a lot of people out there with OCD that are a lot worse off than I am that no one knows they have OCD for the reason their OCD lives more in their head. I pray for them to some day have a life they want.
“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” Robert H. Schuller
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Pillow or OCD
Thank you for reading,
I realized I didn’t tell you last week that I had a sinus infection, which I finally got over. I also didn’t tell you that I blamed it on my new latex pillow that I bought. I thought about taking it back as soon as I got better. I don't ever want to be sick. That is my OCD talking. That is how my OCD started taking over my life, and how it got so bad that I thought about quitting my job. At my second doctor’s appointment that I went to to get better medications to get over my sinus infection I told the nurse practitioner how my new latex pillow did this to me. She told me it probably wasn’t the pillow, but something I got into. Well, my OCD tells me something different. Who should I believe, a nurse practitioner with years of schooling or my OCD with arguably just as many years, possibly more years in my head. It isn’t even that close. OCD is a clear winner. This has been in my head on and off since I got sick, being debated on if the nurse practitioner is right or not. The thing is I cannot let OCD win. I’m going to start using the new pillow again this weekend.
I saw Rachel this week. We talked a little about me getting out and dating. I’ve thought about doing online speed dating. I looked it up to show Rachel, then after showing her she tells me that I’m ruminating over the sites that I’m looking at. She was right. We noticed there are even a couple of speed dating in person events happening. She wants me to try one or the other. I’m scared to do either one. How do you trust the people running the speed dating events no matter if they are online or in person? I have to reason that I have to leave my trust in God. Rachel is trying to help me not just with my OCD, but with my social issues as well. My word for this year is Enthusiastic, and my phrase is Do it afraid. I guess I need to step up.
“You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.”
~Brene Brown
“We should stop asking ourselves how we feel about doing what we know we should do. If we don’t stop consulting our feelings, we will not finish many things in life.”
― Joyce Meyer, Do It Afraid: Embracing Courage in the Face of Fear
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Pretty Good Week For Not Feeling Well - OCD
Thank you for reading,
Despite not feeling well most of the week, I had a pretty good week. You are wondering how that is possible. I realized today that I started feeling better after going to urgent care twice this week, and the second time was yesterday. I paid more attention to how I felt and what I was doing, then what others were doing. I don’t like it when others spread germs by coughing without covering their mouth with their arm or a tissue. Before taking Thursday and Friday off this week, I did read to two classes. Last week was Dr. Seuss birthday, which is why it is Read Across America Week too. A lot of schools participate this week. Some even go crazy with decorations. The schools will have people come in to read to classrooms of all ages. You get mayors along with other city people along with firefighters, police officers, college students, etc. It is a fun week.
I did disappoint myself this week with my OCD by still using gloves to pick up jackets, backpacks, and lunch boxes outside. I really need to stop for a couple of seconds to assess the situation before doing any compulsion like Rachel and I talked about a couple of weeks ago. I’m usually in a hurry to get things done and get on with the next project. I think it is time for me at my age to slow down, and enjoy everything about life, even if it has to do with work. If you don’t enjoy what you do for a living, maybe it’s time to change jobs. I know there are parts of my job I don’t like, but I’m not talking about that part of my job. I’m talking about the entire job as a whole. I definitely need to stop doing compulsions so quickly. I have come really far with my OCD, so I know I can beat it completely. I think I will work on that this week. When I jump to do a compulsion, and I realize it even if I’m in the middle of the compulsion, I think I will stop and assess it.
Another thing that was good that happened to me this week was my session with Rachel got cancelled. That was a blessing from God because I wasn’t up for it. I will leave you with a quote from a book I enjoyed reading. You should give it a look because it has a lot of good stuff in it.
“Progress, not perfection, is what we should be asking of ourselves.”
― Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Wishing Work or OCD To Slow down
Thank you for reading,
I wish either my work or my OCD would slow down a little. I don’t think either one has any intention of doing at this time. I have a better chance of slowing down my OCD, since I’m the one who is supposed to be controlling it.
I told you last week about me getting to places really early. Last night I went to a play across town. About eighteen miles away. I’ve tried going over early to eat, but being by myself I get done quickly to end up getting to the play two hours or more early. This time I decided to save money and eat at home. I would leave later. This is where my OCD comes in. The what if’s come into my head. What if there is an accident that happens a mile in front of you, so you are stuck in traffic for an hour then you would be late. What if something goes wrong with your vehicle, and you have to wait for someone to help you fix it. The what if’s never stop coming in my head. It really bothers me to be late. I even Google directions that told me it was going to take me forty-two minutes. I did leave later, but still got to the play one hour and forty minutes early, which is better than over two hours early. This is going to be harder for me to change than I realize, and not just with going to the play, but everywhere I go.
Another issue I’ve had for a long time is not being able to pick up stuff left outside at work/school like backpacks, water bottles, jackets without using gloves. I have worked in schools for a long time, I have seen a lot of stuff, so I’m cautious. This is my OCD talking to me. The what if’s are in my head again. What if the child is sick, as lice, a spider or scorpion is under them. The what if’s again go on and on in my head. I need to push myself to stop my compulsions with my OCD. The way I did over a year ago. I need to stop making excuses. I need to run my life, not OCD.
Another way OCD came to mind last night was that I am not sure I can date. I haven’t dated in over six years. The person next to me kept licking her finger to turn the page of the program. That drives me nuts. The germs that she is putting in her mouth along with germs from her mouth she is spreading everywhere when she touches everything, by not using sanitizer or washing after she licks her fingers. I know a lot of people do this, however this to me is gross. I know my OCD is the one pushing this. The thing that crossed my mind with date is if I cannot deal with this, then how many other things that people do that I’m not going to be able to handle. One off the top of my head is blowing their nose and not using hand sanitizer or washing after too. I’m going to be nitpicking the person apart on the first time I meet them even before I get to know them. That isn’t fair to them. I will end up just going out on one date after another without building any relationships. This is something I’m going to have to work on with Rachel. It is too much for me to manage alone.
To make a difference in someone's life you don't have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect. You just have to care. Mandy Hale
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Smoother Week With OCD
Thank you for reading,
This week was smoother. I saw Rachel, my therapist , on Tuesday. We went over my roller coaster of a week, plus moving my life forward with the stuff I prioritize. Rachel told me she was on another podcast, and I should listen to it. Intrusive Thoughts Unmasked Podcast with Chrissie Hodges. Chrissie Hodges does OCD Gamechangers among everything else she does. OCD Gamechangers does stuff to help support people with OCD. One thing they do is events online and in person, and have people talk about their experience with OCD. There have been two online events that I have experienced. One of the online experiences I told about myself for five minutes to a group of 683, and then the other online experience I just listened to others and their experiences. You have to sign up and pay a small amount like ten dollars to be a part of the online experiences, but the stories and performances that are done are well worth more than that. These are closed sessions, so only the people who paid will see you do and get the replay. The in-person ones are small, around forty people or less. I have been to one of them, and enjoyed it. Now the podcast episode I listened to was about acceptance. There were a total of four people speaking about what acceptance was to them. I really liked the podcast. I felt that Rachel was talking to me about acceptance. She said that we let fear, grief, sadness or anger be in charge of the entirety of what we see instead of being a part of what we are going through. Acceptance is the difference between I hate that this is happening and what matters most in how I choose to respond. One of the others affected me more too, but they were all good. I listened to Rachel’s part twice. This podcast is well worth listening. I came home and started writing what I needed to accept: mom’s passing, putting dad in a home, this is my house now, I don’t have endless amounts of money, Rachel is my therapist and not a friend. These are a few that I had written down. During the week I have added a few more, and might add some more before this weekend is done. Acceptance along with change is hard for me. As I am writing this acceptance and change may go hand and hand. If you have acceptance then is change easier? I’m not sure, but as of this moment I’m thinking it will be.
Another ODC I have that Rachel and I touched on is me not wanting to be late. I need to work on this. I get up early to write. Not just this, but everything from picture books to novels. I may not be very good, however I love doing it. Practice makes perfect. I do this most days. I get to every place anywhere between thirty minutes to an hour early. I have noticed lately that I’m more stressed driving to get to places I need to be at a set time. I’m also going a little faster. I’m talking ten miles an hour, but I don’t need or want a ticket. Once I get to where I’m going I feel relief. Yes, I have to wait, but I’m not late. That is important to me, and has been all my life. I cannot stand being late or people who are late. I don’t care if it is one minute. For my own good I need to fix this, so I can stop stressing and driving fast. I don’t need either one in my life.
At Tai Chi today I realized for the past two or three weeks that I’m paying attention to people. I notice if they cough in their hands, what they sound like, and I’m worried about them sitting in my chair that has my water bottle in it. I’m the only one who doesn’t put it on the floor. If I spent more time talking to people when we were not doing Tai Chi it may help me to stop paying attention to them. I rarely talk to anyone at Tai Chi. I have always had a hard time making conversations with people even if I know them. This is the second time I’m doing this class, and there are about twenty people in it. It has been going on for four weeks now, I would guess I have said a total of fifty words or less the entire four weeks. I know I’m a total introvert. I need to come out of my shell sometime. Are you an introvert who came out of your shell? If so, how did you do it?
“If you’re going to go anywhere in life, you have to read a lot of books.” - Roald Dahl
“The greatest gift that you can give yourself is a little bit of your own attention.” — Anthony J. D’Angelo
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Roller Coaster Week - OCD
Thank you for reading,
It has been a roller coaster of a week for me. I have a sweeper to help clean the outside of the school. The service guy came out to check it out because it was not working right.. He touched the pedal of the sweeper with his hand, then proceeded to touch everything else. I have issues with the bottom of my shoes as it is, but after me stepping in poop the weekend before my OCD starts talking to me. Can you believe he is touching where you put your feet without gloves on? That is gross. I told my OCD to stop, and I let him work on the sweeper. I came back about a half an hour later and he had found the problem. He needed to order a part. We shook hands and I went inside to wash my hands because of what he touched. I let the sweeper sit for half an hour to an hour trying not to do another compulsion. I failed. I wiped the sweeper off. Later that day I dropped a bunch of mail on the floor and picked it up without doing anything to it and put it on the table. I wish I could have done that with the sweeper.
A couple of days later a couple of guys were dropping off parts to fix my chillers this weekend while there is no school. Chillers are like big A/C units that circulate cold water all over the school to cool it down. I have a red trash can in my Chiller room for bodily fluids. I only use gloves to touch it because I’m throwing stuff in after cleaning something up, so if I move it, I move it with gloves. Well, one of the guys moved it to put parts for this weekend. I know they didn’t use gloves. My OCD says you should clean the door handles along with other stuff they might have touched. Rachel says to use my eyes. I didn’t see anything, so I moved on, even though I ruminated about it for a while. I never did any compulsions. Ya me!
Then on Friday Artis tells me later in the day that she isn’t feeling good and my mind goes back to her dad having the flu and maybe she might have the flu. Of course my mind went to the worst thing, and this is probably a compulsion by keeping my distance from her when I interacted with her the rest of the day.
Rachel and I have been talking in my sessions about what I want to do with my life, and what are my priorities. Since my mother passed away last year, we had to put dad in a home. I’m by myself for the first time in twelve years. I come home to an empty house. I haven’t dated in over six years, so Rachel is helping me with that too. I was listening to Mel Robbin’s podcast, and she had Debbie Millman on. Debbie had a card deck called, A ten year plan for achieving your dreams, and it was only nine or ten dollars, so I bought it. It takes several hours to go through. For me this wasn’t easy. Especially the one where do I want to be living in ten years. Do you want to be where I’m living now in my parents house where I grew up, which they have had since 1969, move to another house downtown, move to another state, or have an RV traveling the US? Towards the end she wants you to review everything you have written down. I broke down crying wondering if I would do some of the stuff I had written down if I failed my mother because I told her I would do certain things, but now I’m starting to rethink things. I know I need to live my life for me, but I don’t want to go back on my word or disappoint other family members. This isn’t easy for me. I’m going to have to ponder it for a while.
I also had phone calls from where my dad is staying on Thursday and Friday. He is having some issues. Then Friday night my tax person calls me to tell me I owe a lot of money to the IRS for the first time ever, and wants me to recheck my taxes to make sure I gave them everything and everything is fine. Thank you, Friday the 13th.
To finish this roller coaster it is my birthday week. It is fun to have some many people show you how much they appreciate you. I do feel blessed.
Please give me your opinion on anything above.
Brian Tracy - There are no limits on what you can achieve with your life, except the limits you accept in your mind.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Doing To Much
Thank you for reading,
I have had some allergy issues this week, so I haven’t felt well. When I don’t feel well I become obsessed with not getting worse or sick, or sometimes I think I’m a hypochondriac. I start to ruminate about getting sick too. I start noticing people more, especially at work. If you don’t know, I do maintenance at an elementary school. One person came into work last week for two days and on the third day she left after only an hour. Everyone knew she was sick the first day. Why not stay home, feel better and not get everyone sick? Why do people do this? I know some people don’t have a lot of time or cannot afford to take off, however that 's not a lot of people. If that isn’t enough, then there are all the children who don’t wash their hands and the parents who send their sick child to school. I had to get my thoughts under control, which is hard to do at times. I started taking a garlic bulb a day not to get a sinus infection, plus extra Vitamin C. What made this week worse for me was that I was extremely busy every day except for Thursday, and that was just a normal day. On normal days I get around 18k in steps. I start feeling tired around 25k. On Wednesday I had 31k in steps. When I’m not feeling well my OCD wants to take over again. I need to stop, take a minute to assess the situation before doing a compulsion. Yes, I would believe doing garlic bulb and taking Vitamin C is a compulsion. Compulsions can grow very quickly into being something that runs my life. I don’t want to ever have that again. Rachel told me in my session this week to remember to use my senses, so I put a note on my phone to use my senses on the lock screen. We also went over the would I rather question, mom’s passing, a little about dating, being more social, and to stop trying to do too much.
She wants me to find out what is most important in my life, what I want to do with my life, and to list these things out. We are talking about stuff other than family, etc. I’m overdoing myself by trying to write every day, doing writing contest, I’m taking a writing class for six weeks, do Tai Chi, learn Italian, find a place to go on vacation this summer, deal with fixing the house I’m in along with the place up north, try to have a social life, and try to date, to which I do neither of the last two at all. I haven’t been on a date for over six years. My social life is work. I cannot fit everything in. She also wants me to relax. She is right. I need to take care of myself. Self care is important. I’m going to spend some time this weekend finding out what is important in my life, and slow down on the other stuff.
One last thing, I’m kinda glad that this week was busy for me on February 3, 2026 was the anniversary of my mom’s passing. I believe God and mom had me stay busy, so I didn’t have time to reflect on missing her. Mom told me to enjoy life and remember the good times. That is what I want to do with the rest of my time here on this earth.
“Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind … or forgotten.” —Stitch, Lilo & Stitch
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Would You Rather
Thank you for reading,
At work someone changes the Would You Rather board every other week. This Would You Rather was a little disturbing to not just me, nevertheless I ruminated about it a lot. I wanted to be able to answer the question. I wanted to say I overcame this incredibly hard thing with my OCD. If you don’t know, I have Contamination OCD. I pondered it all the time. I would stop and stare at the board thinking I could do one of these, but which one. My OCD tells me that both can get me sick, however which one would get me the least sick, or is the least discussing to do. I never did answer the question. Here is the question: Would You Rather clean a public restroom without gloves or drink a glass of murky pond water. I know you are probably thinking that after you clean the public restroom without gloves, then you could wash your hands. That to me is still a compulsion, and OCD wins. The way I look at it is OCD won for the reason I wasn’t able to answer the question. What is your opinion?
One other thing that happened this week that I’m still having a hard time with is when I was doing yard work I stepped in feces. Most likely it was a cat because I don’t have any animals, and when my aunt comes to visit she picks up after her dog. She hasn’t been here for several months due to the fact of my plumbing issues. When doing lawn work I wear a N95 mask. I walked several steps in the house on the tile floor before taking off my mask to realize I stepped in something. I went back outside and hosed off my shoes. I did both even though only one had something on it. The feces was only in the arch of my shoe. I took my shoes off right inside the door since they were wet. I started to go get a mop to mop the whole floor on the account of what I stepped in. I stopped. Thought what would Rachel tell me to do. Use your eyes. I didn’t see anything in the area I walked. I thought of how I should mop the floor at the same time I didn’t see anything. I choose not to mop. All night into the rest of week I ruminated on how I should have mopped the floor. I will mop the floor this weekend. I did a compulsion with my shoes. I wiped them off with Clorox Wipes to make sure they were clean. I don’t feel like I did a win by not mopping the floor, since I ruminated a lot about it, and wiped off my shoes with Clorox Wipes. This is a win for OCD in my book. What do you think?
Walt Disney said, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” Can you or do you imagine or dream of yourself beating OCD, anxiety, or whatever you are trying to beat? I don’t do it enough, however I do pray to beat it every day.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
2023 Trip to 2026 Trip
Thank you for reading,
First, the plumbers are done and gone. I got home Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. by 8 a.m. I was cleaning. I didn’t stop cleaning till 3 p.m. I didn’t get everything I cleaned. The entire house has dust everywhere. The only thing I used Clorox wipes on was in the bathroom. I dusted and wiped with rags. My OCD did test me tons of times. I’m proud of myself. The picture is to show you how bad the dust was, and the recliner wasn’t that close to where they were working.
Talking about being proud of myself, the New York trip I just got back from I am very proud of. I know I did some compulsions and ruminated plenty of times during the trip, but let me compare this 2026 trip to my trip in 2023. There is a huge difference. On my 2023 trip to NY I went for the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Both trips were during the cold season, now the difference is in 2023 I would have sweat coming down my forehead, my hands would sweat and shake while my head and body were on a constant move for the reason I didn’t want anyone or anything touching me. This happened a lot during the trip. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. At the same time it was one of the most rewarding times in my life. Now, this trip I just came back from, I did pay attention to people who sounded or looked sick, did a little compulsions, however there was no sweating from my forehead or hands along with no shaking of any kind. I have come a long way in two and a half years with the help of God and Rachel. If it wasn’t for them I would be a vegetable. I’m sitting here writing this being amazed that with everything that has gone on in my life at the same time of trying to beat OCD that I’m doing as well as I am. If I can do it, so can you. Don’t ever give up on beating OCD, or anything else. Just because it is taking longer than you want it to doesn’t mean you will not achieve it. Keep pushing. One of my favorite quotes is from Martin Luther King JR, “If you cannot fly, then run, if you cannot run, then walk, if you cannot walk, then crawl, but whatever you do keep moving forward. I believe you can do it.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
New York
Thank you for reading my blog,
January 14, 2026 - I’m flying to New York today. I've been ruminating for a couple days again because I really don't want to get sick and this morning I've been really worried about it. It just keeps coming back in my mind. I just have to stop. It's because I’ve heard all about the flu being so bad all over, including New York, which is one of the worst places. Now I'm thinking that I should wear a mask in New York all the time. I'm trying not to let OCD win, but it's been difficult when you don't want to get sick. What would Rachel say to me right now? I'm thinking about being sick and wearing a mask in New York. She would say this is your OCD. Tracy, you can do this, don't worry you got this. Does this move you to the place you want to be or OCD. I would say it moves me towards OCD. I would also say God is me.
I've also started thinking about the plumbing and everything else. If they're gonna finish or not. I wish they'd start early, so when I get home on Monday they would be almost done. I know that isn’t going to happen. The one company who's supposed to be talking to the insurance lady didn’t for I got a call the other day from the insurance lady. It's been two weeks, and she's left several messages. The company will not call her back. I called the plumbing company asking, what can I do? The lady from the plumbing company told me that she would call the company and would handle it. I have not been back in touch with them. I'd like to know what's going on. I'm a little stressed about that too because I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to take shower when I get home. I'm trying not to worry about that right now because that's five days from now. I'm hoping I can just enjoy my time in NY. I do think this is all my OCD talking to me, but I’ve been wrong before. I gotta just stop ruminating about it and just push it out of my head, so I can enjoy my trip.
I started thinking about the differences between this trip to NY and my last trip to NY in 2023. HUGE. I will talk about the difference between the trips another time.
The OCD walk only had about a hundred people show up probably because of changing it from October to January. I enjoyed volunteering. I met some nice people, along with finding a writer's group. The writers group is all people with OCD, so I'm glad for that too. It will be nice being with people who have the same thing as you that understand you. I’m thinking about going to the IOCDF conference in July. I think it will be a good learning experience.
January 16, 2026 - This is my third day in NY. I decided not to wear a mask at all. I have done a lot of walking around without a mask. Yes, at times I have worried about getting sick. I pushed through it, and went on with my day. I have done some compulsions, which I am not happy with. The first day when I got to the room I used the restroom, but instead of using the soap to wash my hands I accidentally used lotion. I either had to wipe off the sink knob or use a tissue or a wash cloth to turn it off. I choose to wipe it off. Another compulsion is I shook hands with a man I met this morning at the writer’s conference who you could tell had a cold or something. I choose to wash my hands. I also have not slept well for the reason the bed is hard as a rock along with the pillows are flatter than a paper. I haven’t eaten very well either, so I’m feeling blah. I usually eat at least two pieces of fruit a day, so I went to Whole Foods and bought some apples, yogurt, and my compulsion garlic. Why is garlic a compulsion for the reason it is a natural antibiotic. I might not take it given that it upsets my stomach. We will see. I did take a little nap this morning which did help me feel better. Those were the only three compulsions I did. I guess some people would say that is great. I will not say that. I want to beat OCD completely, so I’m a little disappointed in myself.
January 17, 2026 - I had a good day at the conference. I met and talked to a lot of people along with shaking some hands. I did no compulsions today. Ya me! I’ve had a hard time with ruminating today, even with listening to speakers. I’ve ruminated about getting sick, the plumbers, and what I will find when I get home. Will I have to stay at a hotel? I am a little worried, but I know for a fact it is my OCD. I will aim to not ruminate the rest of the trip. I have one more day of the conference before I fly home on Monday. No matter what, I am going to enjoy my last day in NY.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Plumbing & Walking
Thank you for reading my blog.
This is Wednesday January 7, 2026. Trying to calm down after giving a key to the plumber, and it has been almost two hours. I told him I have Contamination OCD, and he told me he understood. I knew he didn’t, so I went to try to explain it to him, but I had to go deeper when he told me his wife likes things to be neat, so he understood. I went on to tell him that I almost quit my job in 2023, I didn’t touch door knobs, use money, and went on for a while. I was talking fast, I could feel myself start to shake, and was getting really worked up. I started to try to reel myself back in by slowing down, but I couldn’t do it for the reason of I gave him a key to get into the house when I’m not there. My OCD wants me at the house while anyone is there. I want to see everything they touch, so I can wipe it all off. If I’m not there then I will not know what is contaminated or not. What if they sit in my seat at the kitchen table? I’ve had an extremely hard time today thinking of giving the plumbers a key. I started ruminating, so I said the phrase Rachel and my therapist told me to say when I start to ruminate. None of your Fing business. I said it several times. I am still breathing hard and shaking while writing this and I took a shower before writing it. I texted Rachel telling her I gave the plumbers a key because we discussed it yesterday at my therapy session. She told me that I got this. I started to text her back just thanks, and started getting emotional. I had to stop for a couple of seconds to try to do it and I couldn’t. I saw there was a thanks I could just tap on it, so that is what I did as a tear went down my cheek.
At my therapy session yesterday. Rachel never yells at me in any way, but I felt like she scolded me pretty good because of the way I've been reacting with my OCD with all this stuff happening at the house. I needed it. She is a really nice person in every way. I've been bad. I've gone backwards. I've been trying to not go backwards, however this plumbing stuff flipped my switch quickly. I've been with Rachel, 3 years in March, and I know what to do to stop or help myself with my OCD. Even though I knew what to do, and how to help myself, I couldn’t do it. Sometimes it's really hard to help yourself when you feel like you're going through a crisis. That's why you always need somebody to help you through the crisis. To get you back on track, even though you know everything and what to do to help yourself. Sometimes you can't help yourself. My OCD is screaming, literally screaming, along with me ruminating. It has been really tough. I've been trying to reel it back in. It's been a very slow process. I'm glad I Rachel is with me. I thank God for her all the time.
Rachel asked me a question. She asked me if I was in a closet in your house and you didn't want me to see what you wouldn't want me to see you do at the house what would I see? I don't remember how I answered it, but I like this question. The thing is I tell Rachel everything in my life. I don’t hold anything back. I might forget to tell her something, but for the most part I let her have it all. Do you tell your therapist everything?
January 10, 2026 - I went to the Arizona OCD Foundation walk today. There were around a hundred people. I believe there would have been more if it didn’t get moved from October, but it got cancelled due to a bad storm. I volunteered to set up and take down. I enjoyed the entire event. This is the second time I’ve attended the event, and this is the 3rd time they have done it. I met some new people, and one asked me to join a writers group that I am going to join. I am a huge introvert, so I considered this a big win for me. I am trying to push myself to talk to more people and be more social this year. Not sit in the corner all by myself like I usually do.
Before I go, I want to tell you I haven’t slept well since all this plumbing stuff has been going on. I gave the plumber a key to the house on Wednesday, and last night, which was Friday night, was the first night I slept pretty well. I’m wondering if me giving the plumber a key was some kind of release for me. I’m still worried about what the plumbers are going to do and touch without me here, but I feel more at ease with it. What do you think?
I will keep you updated on how the plumbing is coming along. I’m going to a SCBWI Conference in New York on Wednesday. (Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators ) I’m really excited to go. I enjoy writing in my spare time.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
Plumbing & New Year
Thank you for reading my blog,
The plumbing company did come back out, and rejetted and cameraed the sewer line again. They got the sewer line unclogged for now, but I need to replace the inside sewer line. I have decided to do the inside sewer line with a different company. They sent out a company to clean and dry the bathroom with machines to which I have to move them out to take a shower every night. When I do this I wipe everything off with Clorox wipes for the reason that everything is contaminated because of the way the cleaners cleaned the bathroom. They sprayed a disinfectant, and then wiped it off without using gloves. They also used their feet to move the towels they used around, then picked them up with their bare hands, then proceeded to touch everything. This is stressful for me in every way. I’m having a hard time sleeping at night just thinking of all the people going to be here along with how gross they are. I watched the new plumbing company person use the camera down the sewer for over forty feet, and the only part he wiped off was the camera end. All the rest of the cable he pulled out using gloves, however he kept the gloves on and touched everything with them. That is really gross to me. I have a lot of moving stuff around before they start in about two and half weeks. I might even buy a tarp to cover my bed. They have to tear out the master bathroom floor as well. They have to walk past my bed to get to the bathroom. They will be less than a foot away from my bed, and I don’t want them accidentally touching it, or stuff getting on it in any way from the sewer. If that were to happen, I would probably not wash the bedding, but throw it away. This may seem a little extreme to you, yet this is sewer from the toilets they are working with. For me this whole experience has been and will be extremely stressful. I will let you know how it all goes.
On the bright side, I did review my year while I was here like Mel Robbins said to do. She said in a podcast that we only remember most of the bad things that have happened to us. To look at your photos to see everything in the past year and write them down while doing it. So I did. The year was rough losing mom, on the positive side from June till now at least one positive experience every month since then. I would have never realized it if I didn’t go through my photos. Thanks Mel. I set up my goals for next year. I did a little writing, reading, and set up a few appointments. My word for last year was courage/faith. I wrote that this year I will have courage to accomplish my writing, traveling, dating and paying off my student loan goals through faith. I am grateful, worthy and blessed. I only put it in my phone notes. This next year I’m going to print it out and post many places for me to see. My word for this year is ENTHUSIASTIC. My phrase for the year is Do It Afraid. Do you have a word or phrase of the year?
If you would like to contact me for any reason, I now have a contact me tab at the top of the page.
January 10, 2026 is Phoenix One Million Steps for OCD Walk. 8:00 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. at Kiwanis Park, Temp, Arizona, Check in at Ramada 14
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli