OCD & Fearing God Continued
Thank you for reading,
Let me start by saying my contamination OCD I do really well with controlling. I do on occasions have it test me like it did last week at the massage. I’ve come a long way with my contamination OCD.
I would love to say I had a week off of my brain not over thinking, however, that isn’t true.
Sunday while working around the house, I was starting to think about all the stuff that I have about Jesus around the house. I've got pictures and plaques, some trinkets. There isn’t a lot. Some I got from mom when she passed away. I don’t consider myself super religious, I’m more in the middle.
I thought with me trying not to pray or talk to God as much that maybe I should take some of the stuff down, so it didn’t remind me to pray or talk to God. That sent me down another path. Would God be upset with me for doing it? Is this a compulsion or something else. I stopped myself right there. You are going to leave everything alone, and go turn on some music.
A couple of days later, since I like to write, I decided to just free write about this with God. Most of the time if I free write to just get stuff off my chest it works really well. This time it didn’t. It started with the normal stuff of God being mad at me, to am I losing faith, to wondering if my life is going to get worse, to going down the path of searching all types of fear. To which I had to stop for the reason it got out of hand quickly. My biggest fear(s) is not living to 100 along with not accomplishing everything I want in life. If I don’t please God, then I don’t get what I want. Right? In other words, I’m trying to manipulate God in giving me what I want. Which I feel is wrong to do also.
What is crazy to me is that for some reason I feel less stress with this, this week. Maybe because I’ve had a few doctor appointments, and other things happening this week.
I’m not losing faith. I’m just a little off track. I’m still trying to pray and talk to God less although it isn’t easy. Possibly it comes down to me just needing to understand or feel more secure with what is going to happen in my life to make me less afraid of God. Is that faith? I don’t think so, but I could be wrong.
I did start to think about changing some routines I have around. I stopped putting notes out to remember to do things like turn up the a/c, etc. every day. I’m also starting to look at not praying exactly when I’m going to bed at night, instead I’m going to do it sometime after I get home from work and before bed. I’m also going to look at routines I do at work also.
I cannot always control what pops into my mind. I can however decide if I want it to stay there to control me.
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. - Maya Angelou
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
