Cleaning OCD
Thank you for reading,
I got to stay at the house on Wednesday for the first time in almost two weeks. I took a half day off of work to do some cleaning at the house. There was dust and dirt everywhere. The cleaning didn’t go as smooth as I was hoping it would. To keep this short I had issues with my washer, my vacuum decided to die besides a couple of other set backs. I also had in the back of my head about putting a keyed lock on my bedroom door, so the contractors when they came back to finish the hallway bathroom didn’t go into the master bedroom anymore. Not only do I not trust them in many ways, but I also think it is my OCD talking to me. I went to Ace Hardware three times. I did give into my OCD, and bought a lock for the bedroom door.
I saw Rachel, my therapist this week. We had a lot to unpack. I see her every other week. I almost called to try to get in last week too due to the fact I knew I wasn’t doing good emotionally or with my OCD. I was right that all the stress was making my OCD worse. Rachel is kind, caring at the same time she is for a lack of words firm with me to put me back on track. She isn’t mean in any way. She is a blessing.
I was holding on to a lot of things that I didn't realize. I also learned by taking a picture of something which I took a couple of pictures of. These are compulsions too. It is a way for me to keep looking at it and keep reminding myself of it, and stressing over it. Rachel helped me see I was doing these things to not deal with other things in my life like mom’s loss. It’s only been fourteen months. Rachel explained to me how I was masking my feelings with my OCD. I let some anger in. I've pushed my feelings of mom's passing to the back, so I didn't have to deal with them. No matter if it's OCD or somebody doing something to me or anything else I need to deal with it then release it. I need to forgive whatever it is and move on.
Along the lines of holding on to things, when I was having to deal with the wall tile again for the reason the contractor told me I needed a cap on it or a different type of tile. I was back in the store looking at tile when I called a friend to discuss my tile problem. She said to me why was I trying to put the house back together like my mom had it, and not the way I wanted it. Do you really want tile on the walls? At that point I almost started to cry. I had to hold back my tears, and leave the store. She was right. I never thought of what I wanted in the decor for the house. Deep inside me just wanted to keep mom around as much as possible.
Leave you with this.
Princess Diaries quote - Mia: But then I thought, if I cared about the other 7 billion out there instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.
I need to stop ruminating. I have a lot of time by myself at home and work. That is no excuse for me to ruminate. I need to use my time more wisely by thinking of my family, friends, my writing, talking to God, praying, etc. Anything is better than leaving myself in a vicious loop that only makes me more stressed, depressed along with so many other things. I’m going to keep fighting to beat my OCD, so please keep fighting to beat whatever you have to beat.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
