OCD & Not Being Defeated
Thank you for reading,
Let’s start with I went to the lung doctor to have her tell me that I’m not crazy. I do have issues with my lungs. I’m moderate to severe with my lung issues, which isn’t good, but I’m glad that someone has found something wrong with me. This has been going on for over two years. They gave me an inhaler to try, and told me that it will take two weeks to get you to start to feel better. Well, four days into me taking it I felt really tired, and started to feel like I was getting sick. Long story short, I stopped taking it to which I feel a lot better. I’m waiting for the doctor’s office to call me back with a different inhaler.
I didn’t have an issue with my OCD going to this type of doctor for the reasons it is not a doctor that is seeing a lot of different sicknesses like the flu or Covid, etc, and the season for sickness isn’t in the summer time most of the time.
Last weekend I got to see my new grandson for the second time. While I was burping me he decided to turn his head to spit up on my new shirt and my arm. My son was very nice by wiping off my arm. My daughter was nice to tell me it will not stain my shirt. Me on the other hand is thinking how gross this is, and I would like to wash off. Since I don’t get to see or hold him too much I decided to try to ignore my rumination about the spit up, and enjoy my grandson. Once I gave him up, I went swimming, then changed my shirt afterwards. I’m glad I brought another shirt.
I was painting the stairwell bottom side area because the paint was wearing off all the way up the stairs on both sides of three stairwells. I had to sit and kneel to paint along with putting my hand and arm on the ground. This wasn’t easy for me. It took me a day and half to do. I had a hard time not ruminating about how many people walked on the stairs along with where they have walked and what they have walked on. There were several times I almost used my wet painting rag to wipe both of my hands and arms off, however I resisted the temptation along with the temptation of washing off. I have had a hard time not ruminating about how gross this is, even now while writing this.
I’m really glad I had therapy this week. I had a lot on my mind in addition to being very stressed. I had so much to vent that I took up over half the session. The thing is I’ve been stressed for a long time. Rachel, my therapist, has been working on it with me alongside working on my OCD at the same time. OCD is stressful, at the same time some of the stuff I do or the way I do stuff I cause myself more stress. The way I do some of this stuff is OCD like arriving too early for everything I do. Another thing, I think we came up with is I’m a people pleaser. I want to help everyone and I never say no. I believe I need to learn to help myself more first.
Things I need to work on are touching shoes, since I have issues with the ground and shoes, along with not arriving so early to any place I’m going. I need to learn it is okay to be a couple of minutes late to place that it isn’t the end of the world. If it takes me forty minutes to get to some place I’m going, then I need not leave until forty-five minutes beforehand. This is what Rachel told me. This is going to be really hard for me to do. Just writing this I’m having issues with tightness in my chest and hands are a little sweaty.
I went to Tai Chi this morning, and tried to plan to get there ten minutes beforehand. I needed gas, so I left a little early. I still got there eighteen minutes early. I have to tell you that even leaving this late bothers me a lot. I watered plants along with doing a couple of other things to try not to leave so soon in addition to being a little stressed talking to myself that I will not be late just less extremely unreasonably early as Rachel told me to remember. I talk to myself telling myself that I don’t need to speed that I will still get there on time. I didn’t speed once.
Getting there not as early as I normally do I didn’t get my normal seat to which the seats were very close together this week. This bothered me due to the fact I like a little space, also the lady on one side of me was coughing a lot even with taking a drink every so often. The lady on the other side kept putting her feet on her seat, and you know how I feel about bottoms of shoes, so you know how much this bothered me.
I still felt stressed most of the time, but it lessened quicker this week. Other than all of that Tai Chi went pretty good this week. I mean that sincerely. I enjoyed it a lot.
Last night at dancing, no men brought shoes, so I didn't have to worry about looking for a pair. If there would have been a pair of shoes that I liked I would have taken them just to tell my OCD that I was in charge. At the social dance, I danced one time and then left. The reason I danced was because a lady told me not to leave until I danced with her. I left right after that dance. I could have stayed last night since for the summer I’m working four tens and I wasn’t tired.
My OCD was talking to me again saying things like you are on a schedule, you have Tai Chi in the morning along with I’m still working on my social issues too. Another part is the person I was dancing with kept telling me to get in the rhythm of the music or the beat. I have a hard time with this. I have no rhythm when it comes to dancing or anything else. I’m not going to give up on dancing. I am going to the Phoenix 4th of July, which is a lot of dancing happening for four days to which I’m going for three days.
We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated. Maya Angelou
We all go through a lot in life then to add on anxiety of any kind makes things a little more difficult. We must not let ourselves get defeated. Remember to take care of yourself by loving yourself with love, kindness, compassion along with loving words to yourself. Try a gratitude journal for three months. The results may surprise you.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
